Gillians bit of space

Not dead

2009-01-05T16:37:00.002Z

Meh

that sums it up really!, it's been ages since I blogged. I fear the will to blog has left me, much like the will to get the slap on and wear girls clothes, the will has, not the want. I'm still as likely as ever to be sulking at weddings 'it's not fair (stamps foot) I want to be the bridesmaid.' but I just can't be bothered with the effort.

It seems I'm not alone, the tranny blogosphere is shrinking, we're talking about it little and doing it less. I'm pretty sure my tardy transvestism is due to living over here, I flatter myself that were I still in the UK I'd be out loads.

However theres no end to the famine in sight, so rather than leave a dangling last post, I'll just sign off for the moment with a cheery wave, maybe if I ever get the blogging bug again I'll be back but for now adieu. Which isn't to say I'm going closetwards, I imagine I'll still be posting on flickr a bit but I'm just not driven to blog these days.

Tara for now.

Gillian x

Hurrah!!!!

2008-11-08T11:16:00.006Z

Yayy America.

I've been rooting for Obama and wow, it happened. I really thought something was going to screw it up, the dog whistle racism of the republicans was going to find sympathetic ears, enough people would start believing the nonsense about Ayers, just something was going to happen to mess up this.

I think the world needs this man, I saw polls outside the USA saying Obama was the choice for 85%, did you see the celebrations across the world, did you see the video of 106yr old Anne Nixon Cooper being interviewed? , can you feel the freshness in the air?

The lack of triumphalism on the evening of his victory speaks volumes about the calibre of the man, I really think that the most rare of creatures - a good politician - is going to sit in the white house.

What the hell happened to Biden though? he was faceless, I saw his v clever VP debate where I thought he managed not to make Palin look stupid which must have been very hard for him given she is and he is really not. After that he just seemed to shrink into the crowd. Anyway good luck to him, I cried my way thorough Obamas victory speech, can you imagine crying at one of Bush's speeches?.

Now the big decision tho, would I rather look like Michelle Obama, or Sarah Palin, hmm I'm leaning towards Palins label-ladden look at the moment but Michelle has pulled some corkers with high street fashion.

Yayy Obama.

Horror, carnage and bliss

2008-11-03T21:52:00.001Z

That's a pretty good description of the last two weeks. A year on from my last visit I've been back to the amazon to drink ayahuasca again. The rationale was that first time round I was dealing with things I had to deal with, now I was dealing with stuff I wanted to deal with.

Horror was the first ceremony. I had a pretty hard time of it, vicious nausea and physical pain that threatened never to end. All the while the ayahuasca is teaching while it tortures. I saw myself floating in space viewing the earth; as I watched, time sped up and the seasons passed. A voice, not my own, is talking to me about the nature of change using the changing of the seasons by way of an illustration. I give up my fear of change in an uncomfortable vomit. It feels like the ayahuasca is smacking hell out of me as it punches home points 'stop doing this, - smack 'do this better' - smack 'don't worry about that, you weren't at fault' smack. Images rush at me too fast to register and it becomes too much and I have to cry out for help. One of the helpers comes over and cradles my head as she pours cold water over me catching it as it runs down me and scooping it over me again, it's heaven.

Coming back to my body, the room forms around me. The guy next to me is having a really hard time, he's vomiting every couple of minutes, I know he has been in Iraq, I think there's a lot of darkness being cleansed, 'make it stop, please stop' he repeats. In front of me a girl is screaming her litany of drug abuse into her bucket. The shaman isn't particularly sympathetic, he knows this is part of the process, he's seen what drugs are like as they leave. Peyote in particular is hurting her, it's a visionary plant that can teach but 'Mr Peyote doesn't like being used as a drug' he says before offering to make a deal with the spirit of Peyote for her.

Carnage is the second ceremony, fortunately not for me but around me the ceremonial house is a madhouse; one man is being tormented by the devil and is tearing at his clothes and screaming for mercy, he ends up naked and soiling himself, another girl is screaming at some unknown memories from her past she is throwing herself about and has to be restrained, the helpers and shamans are at full stretch, the shaman is performing an exorcism and it sounds creepy as all hell. As for me I'm in a little protective bubble aware of the carnage but not part of it. I've been taken to a place of brightness and light, white light falls on me like a cooling shower. I see worlds of shapes in bright hues. Huge cubes of multi-coloured lights spin slowly in space, as they align to present to me a square they fire bolts of energy at me that comfort me.

I'm shown the universe as a pyramid, where each level is a plane of existence (yeah I know what I sound like, it's painful to me too). The bottom level is what I think of as 'life' but where I am right now is far above that. In this place there is no concept of suffering, I try to think of some of the reasons that brought me back to Peru and I laugh at the irrelevance of them, they simply can't exist in this place. This isn't dealing with issues, this is realising that there are no issues to deal with. I wonder at the patience of the shamans listening to us talking about all our crap, they must be thinking 'you'll see'. Trying to grasp concepts such as betrayal in this place is like explaining colour to someone born blind.

Slowly and with much regret I drift back to my body, gratitude and love fills me, for what I experienced and for not being in the carnage. I'm back sitting in my chair in the ceremony house feeling wonderful and at peace, the carnage is winding down, some people had really rough nights, I offer what comfort I can and smoke a mapacho as an offering of thanks to the spirits who took me on the journey. I never want this night to end. The girl next to me has had a wonderful ceremony too and we sit and hold hands enjoying the connection with each other.

Next, the wierdness begins

Time for a break

2008-10-15T21:41:00.004Z

I've been awful quiet of late, just too busy in life, some work, some fun, some not so. However now it's time for a little adventure, travelling v light this time, not even an LBD. I'll just leave for the moment with a fervent hope, please America do't do it, don't let Palin anywhere near the white house, the world needs Obama.

Ennui

2008-08-29T22:44:00.004Z

—Synonyms listlessness, tedium, lassitude, languor.

Thats me that is with regard to trannying and blogging. I was mulling over it this week, I don't want to wear girls clothes any less, if anything more; summer desses and skirts and cute blouses are driving me mad at work. Honestly it's like theres a cute blouse club at work, one particular girl, cute blouses and skirts every day, drives me mad. Then at work I resolve to go home that night and perorm the magic of transformation but I dont, I want to but not enough to overcome the lethargy. It's like my effort reward ratio isnt high enough. See how I think it works is this; when I was just getting out and about then a night in a skirt was a big deal, huge buzz awesome fun, well well worth the effort and expense. Now that I've been out more times than I can count (I loved when I realised I had stopped counting) the buzz is so much less, it almost feels normal and it's to much effort to transform to feel normal.

The other night I got glammed up because I had bought this adorable bloue and wanted to try it on properly, so I did. 90 mins to get ready, 10 mins swanning around in said new blouse and deprincessed, not at all like me. Not even a photo and didnt even try on any more outfits.

It's so frustrating though I havent stopped wanting to look like every girl I see on the street or every (female) film star I see on tv but I'm just not triggering the 'do it' level.

Also mucho disappointed about the rubber ball, I was going to be going there with first 3 friends, then 2, no none :( I sooo am going to go there one year.

Hope you are all well. x

Love life's looking up tho, there was this night, it was me and this girl in a big inflatable boat in my living room, and well..., a story for another day perhaps. :>)

He wears girls clothes but he does that?

2008-07-28T17:44:00.004Z

Lets get off my high (heeled) horse about China for a bit, I had some friends over recently which coincided with the day of the Zurich triathlon that I was doing, top fun, mile swim in the lake, 26 mile cycle , 6 mile run. The friends visiting were a couple, the girl is more OK with 'us lot' than you can shake a stick at, on one occasion bullying me into a skirt because I was 'getting funny' about being Gillian in front of her. This time she came over with her bloke who isn't part of our scene but then doesn't really give a stuff about it one way or another. Anyway huge thanks to them for being my support group, was nice to have someone waiting at the finish to cheer. Where was I going with this?????? oh yeah, I was pleased to challenge the image of trannies in said blokes mind as he expressed what to me was a pleasant surprise, that me, - self confessed wearer of girls clothes - should do the manly support of triathloning.

Nice to know I can still surprise people.

More China bashing

2008-07-19T07:58:00.004Z

Ok, ok, I said Iwasn't going to put any more politics, but I just watched the below video on the BBC and I am incensed, screw this olympics, the worlds gone mad and I hope they are a complete disaster. Flower beds, they are kicking their own people out of houses for flower beds.

click on the image for the video.

Sparkled

2008-06-30T21:40:00.002Z

Well that was a fun weekend, big shame about the numbers of people but it meant that my resolution to spend quality time with a few groups instead of my previous scattergun effort was easier. Quite a good flight over, I liked my outfit, I liked my makeup, think my hair needs changing tho. No probs, train to Basel, flight to Manc, big mistake getting to basel airport too early - dullllsville. At the gate I offered my passport for the last minute check, whereupon he started shouting my name down the line, 'errr thats me' I said, oh his little face 'oh' he managed 'you must understand, this is difficult for me' he managed eventually before looking shamefaced and waving me through. 'It's not that easy for me either chum!'

Sparkle itself passed me by a bit, I didn't see anything in the park, I was mostly spent socialising, although I had to take a morning off to go buy a rubber suit (long story but you wont be seeing pics of that!) in general, there were, hmmm theres no way to say it without sounding judemental, but there were more inappropriate outfits on show, there was a lot of sniggering from members of the public, a lot of bollocks on show,a lot of stupidly short skirts. Having dinner in Velvet on Friday, the general feeling around the table was that we were embarassed. Sigh. I know that makes me sound like a bitch but it makes me unhappy because I could see the great british public sniggering at them, and by extension, at me. A friends wife said she was shopping in the Arndale centre and some girls were sniggering at two trannies on the escalator, then took pictures of them to show their friends so they could have a good laugh too.

Does that reflect badly on the girls or the trannies?

Oh well, I'm still glad I went, just not as glad as I wanted to be.

Untucking

2008-06-21T14:18:00.001Z

Well THAT hurt!

Oh and I did take a couple of pics after all regardless of what I said earlier.

Nothing like a good tuck

2008-06-21T11:45:00.002Z

I havent done any tranny firsts in a while, today I did two. I went shopping again - yayy me. No piccies, hmmmm why not? cos I can't be arsed at the moment. I fancied a pic outside but you do scream 'look a bloke in a skirt' when you get all self timering. Anyway it just didn't seem that important. Now I'm back at the appt having a well deserved glass of wine and lamenting that there was only one glass left in the bottle and I am sooo hot (not that way - sigh) I really can't be bothered taking pics.

Anyway, my firsts, well as I was getting ready this morning reflecting on how much fun it was to have hours and hours to get ready if I wanted, I came across some micropore surgical tape, tucking for the use of. So I decided that what I fancied was a good tuck and set to it. It was a long process, I've never got this right before, and extended manipulation of the boys and their dad did result in a degree of ahem 'interest' that required a fair bit of lying back and thinking of Margaret Thatcher before proceeding. Two reasonable tucks had to be abandoned after said interest showed no signs of being not-interest no matter how much Thatcher thought was applied, basically I twice managed to make a cock ring out of surgical tape. However! eventually it worked, it seemed secure enough and proper honest to goodness girls pants looked ok, away with security pants and their excess elasticity and hot sweatiness.

So I went out, all tuck-ed away, wearing proper nice pretty girls pants, as a precaution nasty sweaty support pants were in the handbag incase of undercarriage problems but weren't needed - hurrah, The tram to town was a sensation, I hadn't checked sitting with my tape-manacled member and there was discomfort there but all worked well, back at the appt now I am still taped up and awaiting an experimental toilet to see if I can wee like this.

2nd first, not so triumphant,; first time I had a boob fall out under the bra strap, it was hot, it's damn hot this weekend and standing in line to buy a top in Esprit I felt movement, from the girls not the boys, quick as a flash I've got a boob at my waist. Figuring thats not going to help my chances of passing I wandered away from the queue clutching said stomach boob hoping any casual observer will assume the clutching is period pains. Boob was duly extracted at the waist line and fumbled into my shopping bag, 'maye no one will notice?' I think, 'oh you stupid tranny of course they'll notice. So much bending over and fumbling I managed to get the missing mammary back in situ. I'm amazed I didn't have security over checking my bags with a amount of furtive fumbling I was doing.

ooo this wines gone right to my head you know.

Oh status report I guess, all shop assistants were fantastic as I've come to expect here, Mexx being the top of a very good pile by acting like I was an idiot for asking if it was ok to use the changing rooms, 'oh course it is, why wouldnt it be?!?'

Ooooo i got whiskey......

Hoopla

2008-06-14T20:24:00.002Z

At last I did some shopping for Sparkle, I had a whole list of stuff but in the end I only found a dress and some earrings, must must must get shoes next week. (really cute dress btw)

So I bought some nice hooped earrings and some eff off huge chav hoops that I am wearing right now. I don't think I'll ever wear these out but they are fun. Why is feeling vulnerable such a kick? whether it's not being able to walk properly because of skirt or heels, or move properly because of a corset or in this case, be careful not to catch my massive hoops in something, such as my feet (ok not that big but not far). I'm sitting here on my sofa watching battlestar gallactica swishing my head about and loving the feel of how dangerous it feels having these in my ears. Even the slight twinge of pain if they catch on my neck (I said they were big) tickles me.

Vulnerable, vulnerable vulnerable, it's got me wiggling my toes.

Feels like the very first time

2008-05-25T10:25:00.004Z

or at least it did. I went out yesterday, after unexpectedly getting a Sat to myself I decided to dare myself to go shopping, a huge amount of procrastination ensued till it was 5pm and little shopping time left. I got made up (quite pleased with it even if I do say so) and debated outfits, it was sunny so shortish linen skirt and strappy top with ballet slippers should be ok.

Heck I was petrified, a HUGE amount of procrastination followed, oops no perfume, oops no camera, oops no umbrella oops, oops, oops. Sod it, out the door prepared to shock the neighbours. The shopping mall was 10 minutes walk away and I was a nervous as a kitten, really huge knots in my stomach, almost hyperventilating, just thinking "EVERYONES LAUGHING AT YOU!!". I had just planned to dare myself to buy some mayo but at the mall I went past H&M and that was that, two skirts (and I tried them on in the shop!) then stopped into another shop and got a lovely little white denim mini that I adore. (tried that one on too!)

And I forgot to get the mayo!

Laces

2008-05-18T21:07:00.003Z

I had some fun this weekend, I had to make a trip to the UK and on Sat ended up in London for a meeting. Great mate Debi suggested we go to London together then she lose herself for a couple of hours while I met. Top idea, so we went up, dined, drank a little then made a bee line for fairygothmother I'd wanted a proper corset for ages and now was the perfect time. I didn't expect them to have an issue with me being in boy mode and they didn't "I'd like a corset for me please" "no problem, lets measure you up" the girl in the shop was really cool, measured me up, picked a corset then laced me in it (then went for a smaller size - YES!) Then she left me with great mate Debi "I'll leave you to admire yourself, shout when you want to be released" damn this woman knows her trannies.

So I bought it then tortured myself through dinner, drinks and Stomp when I wanted to go straight home before getting back to great mate Debis house for a nightcap whereupon she wanted to try on said corset (she liked it and looked great) then she wanted to lace me into it to see if she could get it right (I love this girl!!!) thus the night ended perched primly on Debis sofa corsetted with a t-shirt over it just chewing the fat for an hour or so, I'm pretty lucky to have such cool friends.

Btw if I might break the tranny code and be a bloke for a second, I have to say the inside of fairygothmother is worth a look, the sight of cute girls trying on a wide variety of corsetry is eyepopping. There was this one asian looking girl, wow wow wow!!

Oh sod it

2008-05-15T18:41:00.002Z

I was cycling home last night and I thought 'sod it' and swung past the piercing place. I've got two pierced ears now - wheeeeeeee. I took a pic but I've got a transparent keeper in it and I had to zoom in so much to see itthat my ear looked horrible and hairy so no piccies.

No one noticed the new piercing today, but a couple of people noticed the original one (with the stud) the girls were cool with it 'Is that new?' 'Nice' the guys...... well why are guys such pricks? it was all pisstaking and making fun of it. I just dont want to have to deal with that crap. Why does being a guy have to involve such negativity? I'm not crying into my beer here, I dont particularly care; what I care about is that it's part and parcel of being a bloke, no wonder we want to try to be girls.

Example, a guy stops by my desk 'you got an earring!! what did you do that for? mid life crisis, ha ha ha' so what did I do? I made him feel bad about his terrible acne. So he goes off feeling bad, and I sit there feeling bad. Why can't we just interact like girls? be supportive, complimentary, nice!!

Gahhh!!!!!

and we get crap clothes!!!

Today I will mostly be obsessing over

2008-05-13T18:55:00.002Z

This

and if anyone would like to buy me a present I think I would look great in this, or if anyone could just find where it's actually in stock I'd be over the moon, sigh.

Yes I know, I'm obsessing.

earRing a ring of roses

2008-05-10T19:19:00.003Z

I got my ear pierced, well just one, the plan being to do one, let it heal then do the other when I can take out the earing and replace it with a transparent keeper. Now I could have done the other one at the same time but I think two earrings just look effeminate on a guy (no the irony is not lost on me) but I am now so excited at having an ear pierced I am going to have to go and get the other done even tho I need to the more expensive piercing so they can put the plastic keeper in from the get go. I'm a bit shocked, it didn't hurt, not at all, I mean nothing, zilch, not even like pricking your finger, now I know how easy it is I wished I'd just got a couple of studs pierced in for SParkle and taken them out afterwads.

Well no surprises there

2008-05-08T18:17:00.003Z

So today I woke to the news that the Olympic torch had summited Everest, pretty much as I expected there was completely unidentifiable video, no panoramas, no video of anything recognisable like the Hilary step, and most telling of all, no images that had the metal tripod that marks the summit of Everest, oh and mounteverest.net reported that the Chinese party summited "in spite of climbers watching live from Kalapattar spotting them aborting above second step.". My conclusion - they faked it.

It's so unecessary, theres no shame to failing to summit Chomolungma to use the Tibetan name. If they had been a bit humble from the start and came down saying 'we gave it our best shot but she didn't let us go up' they would probably been applauded. Instead they arrogantly asserted they were taking the torch to the top then stationed armed men with permission to use lethal force to cover up any fakery. They would honestly have seen men shot dead to make sure their stupid little flame was safe.

The sentiments from the climbing sites I read was 'Now go Home' I couldn't agree more. Oooo the more I read about this evil crowd the more angry I get. I'm going to stop now because I could post link after link about these executing, organ harvesting, human rights abusing, torturing, tibetan occupying liars. Everest.net was cyber attacked after posting critical articles, I wonder if this site will pop up on their raday.

I'll not watch one second of this tainted Olympics.

A bit of politics

2008-05-04T18:07:00.003Z

Years without cigarettes - ONE!!!! as of today Sunday 4th May 2008 wheeeeee.
Days without Wine - uh oh this is bad, I can't remember, either it's been too little wine to rememb er or too much to remember.

Big disappointment yesterday, I had arranged with friends to get my ears pierced, they were getting tattoos and I was getting my ears pierced but one of them fell ill and the tattoo fest got cancelled boo hiss, I am so doing this and in time for Sparkle.

This week was riot day in Zurich but I gave it a miss this year, theres only so much getting tear gassed you can have before it stops being fun, thats not the politics tho. The politics are me wondering what the trannisphere thinks of the Beijing Olympics? This tranny finds it abhorrent, I'm disgusted that the olympics was awarded to an oppressive dictatorship to whom human rights is an inconvenience. I am incensed at the lies coming from Beijing, the Dali LLama behind the tibetan riots? come off it! believe a regime with a history of torture, execution and organ harvesting, or a man respected for his peaceful views. It wasnt even close to being believable and thats what winds me up the most, some assumption that we are so stupid that they dont even have to try to make up a good lie. Oh how I wanted Gordon Clown to make a statement along the lines of 'We are deeply concerned at the allegations of the Chinese authorities regarding the culpability of the Dali Llama in the recent protests in Tibet, we have offered the assistance of Scotland Yard in the investigation and look forward to the arrival of the evidence' or some such words.

I understand the arguments about being inclusive and you can't talk to someone if you are not talking to them but come on, theres talking to them and theres awarding them the olympics, what a joke, so much for the olympic ideal.

So what triggered my outpouring, it was this: Having a small love affair with the big mountians I have been following the story of the torch going up Everest. Well trying to follow it given Beijings love of media control and manipulation. I've been suspicious from the get go, you don't just take something up Everest, you *attempt* it, now they have shut down the mountain to make sure theres no one around to see whether they do it or not, they are going to fake it, I just know it. In the spirit of the Olympic ideal the have got Nepal to site a military checkpoint at base camp with authority to use force and a mountaineer has already been removed for daring to have a tibetan flag. Damn I am so angry.

and I hope I have no Chinese readers who take offence because I am not having a go at the people of China, on my one trip there I found the ones I met to be lovely but hey, your dictators suck.

Got my mojo working

2008-04-08T17:12:00.005Z

I think I might be back in the tranny groove. After the fun of having to get made up and dressed up for Flickr Tranny Day, I was off for a flying visit to London with friends April, Laura, Karol and Fiona for dinner and drinks.

Yes I know it's just three of us but April takes pics and Fiona doesn't like pics being taken. It was a lovely lovely night, a small but nice Bistro in London, then lots of wine and nattering, well I was driving so not much wine but lots of nattering and catching up, I loved it. I forgot to check the reaction of the serving staff, I guess because I don't expect approval or disapproval no more than I would think to comment like that if I was in boy mode.

What I was really tickled tho was that at the end of the night I was loathe to change back, thats the really tranny test, I hung about at Aprils for ages chatting and trying to postpone stopping being Gillian but eventually it was late and sleep was needed. We took some pictures on her roof too which was dead good fun

Roll on Sparkle and yes I shall be flying back dressed!

Tic Toc

2008-03-28T21:39:00.003Z

Blog o' clock

Flickr Tranny Day is approaching, and just for the sheer devil may caredness of it I did a group too
F.T.D

the trannispere expects etc etc.

View from the door

2008-03-25T19:49:00.003Z

Not 10 mins ago my downstairs neighbour buzzed at my door, after first making a fool of myself by thinking it was the downstairs telecom and trying to speak to him through it I opened the door and we exchanged pleasantries and had a quick natter, after he left I closed the door and turned round to see:

on my sofa the detritus of last nights dressing up session, wig, strappy top, denim mini skirt, ballet pumps - bugger!

Wonder if he saw, ho hum, good job I don't care so much about 'that sort of thing' these days :>).

Btw, 4 more days to Tranny Flickr Day!!

Transapathy, it stops here

2008-03-17T21:48:00.002Z

Too much apathy in the trannysphere just now, not enough flouncing about in girls clothes, it has to stop, now or as soon after now as is trannily possible. (ok I'm stretching the use of 'tranny' there a bit).

I had some horrible trannying the other night, I was sitting at home, veging 'wish I was being a girl tonight' I thought, but between me and the me I wanted to see in the mirror was a couple of hours of plastering and making good with my good friends Rimmel and MAC. So the solution was easy, go to it with the brushes and the lip gloss orrrr (and heres the clever bit) just avoid mirrors (taps side of nose with finger to indicate extreme cleverness). So it started easy enough, I just slipped a skirt on, my legs were shaved anyway so I didn't have to catch sight of non girly legs. Skirt led half an hour later to a top, a top didn't feel right without boobs, so on went a bra and boobies, then intoxicated by this feeling of feminine grace and beauty on went a wig and then it all went wrong. Concerned that my faux hair was sitting like a patient but rather scruffy cat atop my noggin I stole a glance at a mirror - Oh You Stupid Tranny!!!! I looked ridiculous, the fragile mental image that I had managed to construct came crashing down, from Sandra Bullock to Sundry Bollox in one short look.

I got really really embarassed and couldn't get everything off quickly enough, I think thats what a 'normal' (for values of normal) bloke would feel wearing girls clothes, silly, very very silly. Lesson learned.

However, like the song, the malaise remains the same sooooo I propse Flickr Tranny Day, I Gillian Stuart, being a transvestite of sound mind and sexy body (I made that bit up) do hereby commit to posting a picture on flickr of me wearing girls clothes on 29th March 2008, said pic to be taken anytime in the preceeding two weeks.

There! I've said it, now who else is up for it? get up off your arses and be men, get that slap on and get into that dress! are we trannies or are we err normal people. No excuses, no 'too busy' no 'too tired' no 'but I'm in prison'. Just do it!

Blimey

2008-03-05T19:13:00.002Z

days without cigarettes, heck knows but somewhere over 300

where have the last few weeks gone? I'm suffering from a malaise, I just can't be @rsed at the moment, which isn't to say I don't want to run about the place in girls clothes, it's just that when it comes down to it I can't be bothered making the effort. In an ideal world I'd have a makeup artist and dresser every morning to make me look gorgeous for the day ahead, probably a full time epilationist too (not sure if that exists or not but it damn well should do). I'm not sure I can even be bothered to go to Sparkle this year but I reckon I will, if only to see friends who I am sadly losing touch with and this year I shall be more focused in my socialising instead of the scatter gun approach I seem to adopt.

In other news, I had a friend over this weekend and outed myself to her, rather odd, she sent me an xmas card of a father christmas wearing stockings under his outfit and said 'this made me think of you' so I quized her about it and she eventually broke under questioning and said she could just imagine me wearing womens underwear, tch the cheek of it, so I told her and she was cool about it and borrowed some clothes too.

I came across this by accident, I thought a 10 minute video was too long to watch (ok I have a short att - oooo look a butterfly) but 25 seconds into it I was hooked, get to 25 seconds and you'll see why. Theres quite a lesson there and a helluva message to digest.

Feeling flat

2008-01-20T19:44:00.000Z

Bit glum today, not anything drastic, just a little ennui. There seems to be an air of apathy around the blogsphere just now and I'm suffering a little from it. Either that or I'm just having a dull life not worth writing about. One thing tho

It's a name not an adjective!

it miffs me seeing adjectives in names, the most common in tranny world seem to be 'sexy' or 'tart' eg SexySarah, LindaTVTart (these names are fictional and any resemblance to any trannies alive or dead is totally coincidental) I don't get it, whats wrong with just having a name? it's not like it's your real name.

Also feeling a little selfishly glum. A friends just had a date that she said went really well and that just underlined my single status. Not that I'd have been filled with glee had her date been a washout, quite the opposite but I've been feeling a little lonely since the ayahuasca caused my ex obsession to become an ex-obsession (how clever was that?). Seems my obsession was keeping me company.

In interesting news, who has heard of Henry Rollins? well not me, but I got invited to go along to one of his spoken word 'concerts' damn it was good, what an interesting and articulate bloke, a very pleasant couple of hours were passed listening to his tales of travel and his viewpoint on life. Then a quick youtube search later and I'm watching him on stage beating up someone from the audience, funny old world.

But I wouldn't like to paint it

No thats wrong isn't it.

Thank you Mexx

2008-01-05T20:35:00.000Z

This week I've been mostly obsessing over a Mac and I don't mean a computer. I just saw it by accident in Mexx and dared myself to go and try it on, so I did with all my German ready for 'it's for me is that ok?' well no one approached me in the shop so I just tried it on (I decided it was too tight) and left feeling like a wierdo as no one had spoken to me. So all week I've been dreaming about it it's been calling to me, so this morning I went off to Zurich to another Mexx store to look for the larger size. Heart beating strongly and too fast as I approached the store, from a combination of going to be open about wearing girls clothes and expecting to have to use my rubbish German. A lovely assistant bounded up and I asked for the size I wanted and she explained that it was unlikely there was that larger size but she grabbed the largest they had and asked if I wanted to try it on ( I don't know how she guessed so quick) so I asked her to confirm if I could try it on looking at her eyes for any reaction (I do that). Nothing, nada, zilch, no reaction nothing to indicate that any oddness was happening 'Of course' she said and held it for me to stick my arms in it, some humming and hawing and looking in a mirror and I decided to buy it.

What a lovely, lovely experience I was buzzing all the way home from that sort of acceptance. When I got home and tried it without the heavy jumper I was wearing and it was perfect, I love it I love it I love it.

I really really love it.

[Some hours pass]

I love it so much I had to get a piccie in it

Merry Xmas

2007-12-25T22:06:00.000Z

Hello all, Christmas day blogger here, funny old xmas for me, after the ayahuasca fuelled trip that was Peru I decided not to do anything for xmas, which has left me chomping at the bit, this is the first time in 5 years I've been in the western world at xmas.

Ho hum, still I got some trannying in, at the weekend I flew to a friends to go to a wedding, that was great fun and I got for the second time compliments on the dance floor. Well sort of compliments, forgive the boy side for a second, but I'd just bought some new clothes, and dammit I looked bloody good, then a girl I'd not met before summonsed me onto the floor and after few mins the following conversation ensued

Her: So unusual to see a guy who can dance
Me: Hey thanks
Her: But you are gay aren't you
Me: No
Her: oh come on you are so gay
Me: No I'm not
Her: Not even Bi?
Me: No piss off
Her: but you can dance and you look great

That was not the first comment like that I got that night, the bride wanted her hair down, and I got stuck into pulling out the hair clips which I love doing, it's like a treasure hunt, 'Oh you are so gay' said the girl who was also digging out the clips (for the record 83 clips) hmph!

Oh yeah the trannying, well the day after the wedding I had free so I had booked up a meal and theatre and had warned my two RG companions I would be doing it as Gillian, they are totally cool with it. On the way I got a call from the lovely Jenny Jackson who was at a loose end, so as a nice surprise she was able to get tickets to the show too. What a lovely night, good company, good theatre and me in a skirt, happy sighs and it felt just soo sooo natural, you really do forget that this is an evil terrible thing to do sometimes.

Sometimes you can't get away # 2

2007-12-13T20:34:00.000Z

Officially freaking out right now, my gob is well and truly smacked. I just got an email sent to my boy account and on the cc list was the email of Karol Cross. I only saw it as I deleted the email and thought 'was that a Karol with a K?' so I pulled out out the trash and there it is Karol Cross. So I'm freaking and mailed her to find out the connection, then couldn't wait, so texted her and then gave up on all that and called her.

I posted this about my ayahuasca trip and the girl I mention at the end - Kellee - is the same Kellee as here

I'm just sitting here shaking my head, I can't believe this coincidence. Wow this ayahuasca is some wierd stuff :>)

Wow wow wow.

and again

WOW! I wish I still smoked.

Sometimes you just can't get away

2007-12-07T18:35:00.000Z

Days without cigarettes - 217
Days without wine - slurp!

Theres not been a lot blog worthy in Gillians world of late, some minor wearing of girls clothes. I had to get a photo of me in the chemise Linds got me for my birthday. How cool is that? not only did she buy me it but she actually wanted to see me in it too!.

Today I got an email from a friend I've not seen in a while, she'd started a new job and met someone we both used to work with. Conversation turned to people we used to work with and the ex and I came up and then my friend said the 'prying' started. "So why did they break up because I've heard some very odd stories' . 'Odd' sighs, slumps shoulders. I've known so many cool people of late I've forgotten that in some circles I'm a figure of fun to be gossiped over. It doesn't hurt, not really, but it does make me a little sad. I don't feel any need to set the record straight on why we did break up and I don't particularly care what this person thinks of me, I'm just a bit disappointed in her.

My friend who we'll call Kirsti (for that is her name) scored full marks by cutting the pryer short "Well I think it's their business and I don't think people should be speculating or having an opinion when the only people who really know are them". See what I mean about the cool friends? Kirsti knows by the way, I told her before I left the UK and she was, as I expected, cool about it.

and now I think I shall go and wear a dress.

Ayahuasca Epilogue

2007-11-13T19:04:00.000Z

Remember how the 'Streets of San Francisco' on TV always had an epilogue?. Two weeks on, I'm missing the camp dreadfully. This was far and away the strangest and most amazing experience I have ever had. I know how it sounds, it seems mad to me and I was there, friends nod and smile when I tell them about it 'and then I turned into a hawk!' usually gets them. Before I went I thought about my ex about 12 times a day (yeah I counted!). Now it's about once every 3 days and it doesn't hurt any more, the revelation on the first ceremony that 'I don't need you in my life' holds true, I don't need to think about her, or wonder what she's doing, or if she ever thinks of me or cry over her or surf for her. I wouldn't even freak to meet her and her husband.

Intially I tried to rationalise everything into terms I was more comfortable with, perhaps 'dark spirits' were just the negative thoughts your subconscious throws at you. What if dealing with a spirit in a vision was just teaching your brain a new way to think, what if the visions are just the metaphors you use in dreams, then I thought 'Why bother?' so I just talk about spirits like the shamans did.

When I thought about Julia before she was in the front of my head, it felt like she burned just behind my forehead, now when I think of her, it's at the back of my head, where the memories live. I'm at peace and I'm ready to love again so bring it on. I'm clear of what and who I am, Gillian is just a part of the boy, I used to see boy me and girl me as two separate beings but now I'm just one person mostly boy, ocassionally girl.

I lost weight while I was there, I'm lighter than I've been in years and it's stayed stable for two weeks, I've even got a waist! The ayahuasca stays with us according to the shamans, we can still ask it's help, which I do. I'm still in touch with all the people who took part in the ceremonies, they were a great bunch, every space cadet, tree hugging last one of them.

Whats more I feel happy. I was able to look myself straight in the subconscious and say 'I love me'. I've been trying to come up with ways to explain it to people, one was that you can't lie to yourself with it, imagine being able to talk to your sub-conscious without any layers of ego justifying your actions. Imagine too that you were shown how to do something say being happy, so you were able to say 'Oh THATS what it feels like, ahh now I know how to do it'

This was the best thing I've ever done and I commend it to the house.

Normal service about me wearing girls clothes resumed now, but if you want to read someone elses experience then have a look at this, this is the article that made me decide to go, read about it in National Geographic.

Final Ceremony

2007-11-12T21:46:00.000Z

(If you didn't read part 1 it'll be better in order, scroll down or else it's here)

I spent the Thursday before the final ceremony calming myself, going into the second ceremony scared was not clever. I also decided that I should go in with a clear plan of what I was doing, the major issues I wanted to cover had been dealt with in the first ceremony and that put me on the back foot a bit. So I decided I wanted to see if I could see a past life and to find out my power animal. The shamans believe you have an animal spirit that watches and guards you, this is your power animal.

Again I asked the shaman to ask the medicine spirits to decide my serving. The ayahuasca was not maturing well. This was revolting, seriously amazingly gut wrenchingly disgusting, I rinsed and rinsed my mouth to try and get rid of the taste and kept spitting gobs of ayahuasca flavoured spit - ugh.

I'm feeling calm though, whatever will happen is going to be ok, if I purge then I purge, I can deal with it. Everyone drinks and the icaros start, I'm just enjoying being there and lie down to await whats going to happen. My skin starts tingling as the ayahuasca takes effect and I see orange geometric patterns moving in the air, then suddenly I am in a room sized box made of orange fabric, theres a lot of light outside and wind blows the fabric of the walls and roof, the floor opens beneath me and below me is another orange fabric room, with no floor, and another and another forming a long tunnel of fabric boxes. I fall down the tunnels and at the end I'm left floating above a field.

In the field is a girl working, she's dressed in a white hair triangle, brown floor length skirt, off-white apron. She is bent over and I can't see her face but I think this is me in the past. I want to get close to her but I can't and find myself back in the cermonial house. Somethings feeling funny with me, my head's not right, it feels like it's lengthening and my fingers are curling back, my head extends into a beak and I turn into a hawk, this must be my power animal. Desperate to fly I'm disappointed to be dumped back in the room, it was only to be a fleeting glimpse. As I lie there I feel figures above me. A succession of people in red cloaks with shadowy faces who lean over me and smile kindly. It never occurs to me to challenge if they are here for my greater good; it seems clear they mean me no harm.

Then very very suddenly it's all over, I open my eyes and I'm back in the room, everything is normal, I feel as I did before I drank the ayahuasca, checking my watch I see it's only been an hour since the ceremony started and already the effects have cleared. I haven't even purged. Theres no euphoria, just a feeling of peace, like at the end of a job well done. After all the fear of before, after getting myself calm and ready to face whatever happened it was a non event, nothing even slightly unpleasant. I feel a mild need to purge, nothing urgent. and lean over my bucket vomiting slightly, what comes out is thin and almost clear. I ask the ayahuasca what I purged, the reply comes back 'Just me' like there was nothing for it to do so it was just getting rid of itself.

Sitting up I look around the room in the dim light and watch the shamans and the other participants in their ceremonies, this is strange, the same amount of ayahuasca I had last night that affected me for hours has now burned through me in an hour, this is a strange strange brew. Theres a change in the icaros and I can see Hamilton, the shaman, get unsteadily to his feet and move to Don Alberto, the head shaman. Hamilton collapses to sit on the floor in front of Don Alberto and Don Albertos apprentice is on his feet behind Hamilton, they are both singing icaros to him. Kellee, one of Hamiltons apprentices notices and despite her broken leg hobbles over to take position behind Hamilton and joins in the icaros.

Something is not right and even though there are only three or four of us awake and watching there is considerable tension. Hamilton lets out a long moan, another apprentice takes position around him and they work on Hamilton for about 10 minutes until he starts to move again. 'Hey guys, it's just a little ayahuasca, thank god it's not a lot' he calls, and gets unsteadily to his feet and back to his seat 'what were we doing?' the tension breaks and he leads a new icaro. Tempted to ask for more ayahuasca as i feel totally normal again I decide not to push it, I answered tonights questions and I just lie back till the lights are re-lit. The atmosphere is good as the ceremony ends but it's not as playful as before, Hamilton tries to be jolly but it seems forced, something happened tonight and he's not well.

Sadly I gather my things and say goodbye to the last ceremony. The next day I talk to Kellee, she tells me that Hamilton had been attacked during the ceremony, many of the Peruvian shamans want to harm him because he's white and want to harm Don Alberto for teaching him, so they attack during the ceremonies. Tonight Hamilton got hit.

Ayahuasca 2

2007-11-03T11:49:00.001Z

(If you didn't read part 1 it'll be better in order, scroll down or else it's here)

As soon as I drink the disgusting tasting mix I regret it, 'what am I doing?' 'why did I do this? I'm just going to go through hell again'. As the ayahuasca takes hold I'm desperate to purge it, the longer it's in me the more scared I am getting, the icaros start and I am leaning over the bucket willing myself to get rid of it but no joy, it'll come when it's ready. As soon as my skin tingles from the initial effects I am fighting it all the way 'lie still', 'sleep through it' every time a vision is offered I start thinking of something normal to counter it. Questions are being asked of me 'Who are you?' 'What do you want?' and I am trying to think about visiting friends anything normal. 'Ayahuasca bring me peace' I ask, 'Ayahuasca bring me acceptance of change', 'Ayahuasca give me sleep'. A bird appears to me, it might be a hawk but it's head seems to be changing around, perhaps an eagle now, I'm not sure. I really don't want this. This goes on for a while, fighting the ayahuasca and desperate to purge when I realise what the lesson is,

'Own your decisions'

I freely chose to drink this, theres no point in whinging about it after the fact, I couldn't even claim ignorance as I knew what was involved from last night. That reflected a lot of my life too, where I chose one path, then regret it and moan about not going another way. Almost as soon as I realise this the long awaited purge happens, it's minor, whereas last night I was bent into a jackknife almost pushing my face into the bottom of the bucket (the well) this is an uncomfortable but easily bearable experience. Reaching for my torch I cover it's beam from the rest of the room (ayahuasca makes you sensitive to light) and see what I've purged and see amongst the puke pink fleshy worms (yeah like I said yesterday - I know!)
'What did I purge?' I ask the ayahuasca.
'Parasites'
'How did I get them?'
'You grew them yourself out of bitterness'

Very very rapidly I feel myself coming back to the room, the icaros are growing louder and I'm rapidly calmer. This was a very tough lesson but it's over, the effects are receeding rapidly, theres still two hours at least of the ceremony left but I'm done so I curl up under my blanket and I can't remember feeling so secure and safe and comfortable, contented "mmmmm'ssss" come from me, this is wonderfully comfortable, I am really really content. The icaros are fantstic to listen to, this is the most amazing experience of my life, I can't believe I am actually doing this, I am so content and at peace. The shaman leading the icaros is dropping in explanations of the icaros as they are sung, 'Now we bring in space' next 'to balance space we call earth' next 'with earth comes water' next 'balancing water comes fire'. The interplay of the voices of the shamans and the apprentices is really really beautiful. I could lie there all night.

At one point the jungle around us echos the icaros and the background noise of the jungle gets louder and louder, almost deafening then when the icaro stops so does the jungle noise, total silence in a jungle, it's spooky. Theres a feeling of tension in the room until the shaman releases it, 'Hey' he shouts 'it's just a little ayahuasca, thank god it's not a lot' he leads an icaro that feels light and playful, most of us join in. The guy is amazing, how he can keep this up all night I don't know. The mood from now on is completely playful, the shaman is buzzing and as excited as I feel about being there. The icaro ends and the shaman is cracking jokes, it feels like a big party in there. He really is buzzing

'Who hooo it's just a lil ayahuasca, we're done now, heck it's really kicking my butt, no wait we got a little bit more'

and off he goes again into an icaro dragging the other shaman, the apprentices and the entire room with him. Theres a lot of laughs, a lot of yawning, a lot of contentment. When the lights are lit the room explodes into talk and laughter, when I sit up I realise the ayahuasca isn't finished with me yet. I'm still unstable on my feet, I spend 10 minutes getting up to standing to cheers and applause and have to get helped to the toilet area but theres no fear, no unpleasantness, like waking up from a deep sleep where you are still snuggly and dozy. The guy next to me comments on the amnount of mmmmmmm'ing I was doing and how peaceful it sounded.

Last night I had a bigger serving and cleared the effects pretty quick, tonight I had less and it has lasted hours longer, this is wierd stuff. Conversation is drifting off as people curl up and go to sleep, deciding to sleep in my bungalow I gather my stuff and take one last look into my bucket now that I'm getting to be normal again and the pink fleshy worms - are still pink fleshy worms.

That was ceremony 2.

Ayahuasca

2007-10-29T19:54:00.000Z

My hands are grasping the sides of the round well as I'm racked by wave after wave of violent heaves. Looking down the gothic stonework of the well I can see 100 feet or so before it recedes into darkness, a demon flies up from the darkness, it's nose mere inches from mine and opens it's mouth wide to accept the thick black tar-like goo I am vomiting. All the while the rhythmic chanting of the shamans surrounds me as they recite their icaros to guide the ceremony.'Out!' I'm screaming, 'All of you out'.

This was last tuesday night and I was in a jungle in Peru in a vine-roofed ceremonial house with two shamans and their apprentices. An hour before I had drank ayahuasca which is either a shamanic medicine or a powerful hallucinogenic depending on who you ask. I'd come to this place to take part in three ayahuasca ceremonies for multiple reasons, chief amongst these was to let go of my ex and to find out about my Gillian side. I can't explain what happened without sounding mad, so before you say it - I know!

As the vomiting subsided I lay back and lost some time, the next thing I knew I was a woman lying on the ground having sex, backways, frontways, allways and loving it, lost in ecstasy. To me this meant what I didn't want; that I wanted to be a girl. I remembered the words of the shaman that anything that appeared had to be challenged in case they were bad spirits so I turned round and opened my eyes seeing a vague cowboy shaped figure 'do you serve my higher self?' I demanded, when he didn't answer I commanded him to go. Four times he returned and I found myself having sex again but eventually he went. Relief flowed; I didnt want to be a girl, it was just a bad spirit forcing these thoughts on me, I'm just a transvestite after all. My travelling companion screams for help and I sit up from my vison leaving my body prone, shouting to the Shaman that she needs help, he says he has her and I go back into my body.

I try to stand and make my way through the bodies on the floor, kind hands help me through the darkness to the toilets where I collapse glad that I made it this far without soiling myself, a not at all unusual ocurrence with ayahuasca. I lose myself totally, not knowing where or who I am. I see every person who ever did me a good turn no matter how small, I understand how much a simple kindness from a stranger meant to me and realise how much I would be appreciated if I took more time to offer kindness. I thank everyone I see, then I thank my ex for all the happiness she brought to my life when we were together. The shock of saying this snaps me back to the room for a few seconds then I am gone again forgiving her for the pain of leaving me, visiting her and her husband and wishing them both well.

A friend I had wronged appears, the ayahuasca strips away all ego, the situation with my friend was laid bare and the meanness of spirit that caused it was evident without any cushioning layer of justification. I apologise to him and know I have to repeat it in the real world.

I'm really losing it now, it's getting too intense and on the edge of calling for help the shaman is next to me talking into my vision and guiding me back. Still at the toilet someone appears next to me and offers some water, I gladly accept and he pours cold water over me gently and cradles my head, it feels like heaven, such tenderness from a complete stranger. He offers me his name and I remember mine, when I feel better I thank him profusely and tell him I'm ok and he should go help someone else, he gently kisses my cheek and leaves, thank you Dani.

After a long time I manage to summon up the strength to stand and pull up my trousers. As soon as I step into the room hands hold me to guide me back to my place on the floor where I collapse feeling the effects of the ayahuasca start to fade. The icaros continue and I feel fantastic as I come out of it to the rhythmic chanting, all around people are coming back from their journeys and the energy in the room is astounding. I stay awake till the ceremony ends and the oil lamps are re-lit then sink off to a desperately deep sleep.

That was the first ceremony.

Just stepping out

2007-10-12T23:25:00.000Z

It's time again for some travelling, I'm off for a couple of weeks. Interesting trip I've got planned, I'm not going to say too much about it in case it turns into a disappointment but this just could be my strangest adventure yet, see y'all in a couple of weeks, play nice now.

Gillian x

Classy, pretty and a little bit slutty

2007-10-11T17:27:00.000Z

Days without, nahh short of time.

I had a not bad birthday really considering I was and still am freaking out about it all. I got some top pressies, boy and girl. The really classic pressies that you would never think of buying for yourself but are blown away by getting them. One of my RG friends bought me this

First off I was just amazed, "OMG, she's bought me lingerie" then when I mailed her how tickled I was with it, she responded with " I wanted something "Classy, pretty and a little bit slutty". Wow, first off that she would buy me lingerie, second that she would put that thought into it third that - I'm a bloke!!.

Also she said, that she thought it was so much harder to buy for me than for 'one of her other girlfriends (because she didn't want to offend me)'. Did we all get the 'one of her other girlfriends' bit???. She wasn't buying me lingerie because 'he'll' wearing it, she was buying me it because girls wear that. Tickled to pink I am.

Hello from the other side

2007-10-02T18:07:00.000Z

Days without wine 148
Days without cigarettes hey come on

Whooaaaaa that's the wrong way round!!

Some interesting times of late, I had a friend over for a week to have a non-birthday, a rather significant birthday just passed and I have been freaking out royally over it. So much so that my plan was to sit at home with the blinds shut and try not to see daylight, thus pretending it wasn't happening.

It was not to be; some friends made me go and have fun. Anyway, non birthday first, Cat came over bearing rather large unwieldy gifts which were awesomely cool. A fab case to keep my wristwatch collection in and my first MAC makeup. The new MAC makeup lead to a damn near forcing me into girl mode because I had been being silly about doing the Gillian thing. So that was fun. Then I had this weekend in the uk with some rather fab friends drunking too much and dancing dangerously on top of a canal boat in between ramming the banks.

Massive overload on acceptance, everyone knew about me being a wierdo except one girl who got told about it so she knew. Boy gifts, girl gifts and a quite awesome cake featuring photos of me in boy and girl mode - thank you Jaye Adams. I was a little perturbed, Karen (dress donator extraordinairre) found photos of me just by googling for 'Gillian transvestite' thankfully Jaye gave her better ones. I guess I should stop being so protective about them, theres enough spread over t'internet.

So pressies, great food, great wine, great company and I am so looking forward to 2 weeks off the sauce because I feel like a fat Bhudda.

Did still have a bit of a freak out tho. On Sun night peeps headed off home except for Cat and I; I think that was a mistake, the effects of being 40, the fact that we went from hyper activity to just two of us meant I had a bit of a come down and got all reflective for a while, thanks to Cat for putting up with me. Probably my age but then we went round to look at the party dresses in Debenhams, so yayy. (do you know they are still selling the dress I bought for my first night out??)

More surprises when I got home, my friend Linds had posted me a pressie so there was yet more excitement, a beautiful lace trimmed chemise, I can't believe I have girlfriends who are so cool about this stuff, look how lucky I am, heres what I got
Necklace, bracelet, makeup, perfume, perfumed bath lotions and potions, Wide belt, hat, chemise, oh and furry handcuffs.

I hate 24

2007-09-09T12:57:00.001Z

Days without cigarettes , hmmm jury's out on that one.
Days without wine - soon, soon.

The jury is out on the cigarettes thing because I went to a shisha bar last night and I'm not sure that counts. There is this amazing place behind Winterthur trains station, it's like a huge industrial complex but as you walk through it you see doors open with bars and clubs inside with no advertising on the outside. It felt like someone had got the keys to this complex and let their mates in to have a parties. Never having tried shisha before I had a pipe, it's very nice, no hit as a cigarette provides you, just a nice taste. However it's still tobacco with slightly less harmful effects thatn cigarettes so I don't think I should be doing it. However the girl Iw as with was puffing away merily on her cigarettes and I never felt like having one so that was good.

Same girl who I decided to tell about Gillian. I'd like to say it was the booze outing me but it wasn't, I didn't even have a good reason for telling her, I just wanted her to know so we could talk about stuff. I'd just been to see her in a fashion show and she was telling me about the organisation, and I wanted to tell her 'I know, I've done one too'

Hmmmm

Well she was shocked, even a bit freaked initially and the word 'disappointed' was mentioned too. She wanted to ask loads of questions though and went through the pics on my PDA a dozen times and seemed ok when we'd talked about it but I'm left wondering if I should have told her. I feel she's trustworthy and I don't expect it'll be passed on, but the sober light of day says I probably should have had a better reason to tell someone. I guess I am spoiled by the reactions I've had from friends and I expect that reaction. again I say

Hmmmmm

Oh well.

Heck this went off topic, I was meaning to say I've just finished Season 6 of 24 and that'll be the last I'm watching of it, what a heap of pooh! unbeleivable plot twists, ridiculous conclusions and the CTU has it's security breached yet again, yawn yawn. Time to end it.

I hurt someone

2007-09-06T21:32:00.000Z

I hurt someone, someone I care about. actually a couple I care about. I'm really gutted, I owe these people a lot, possibly more than I can describe. I don't want to go into the details but I saw a situation one way and they saw it another, and being a fool I happily carried on my course, an argument happened which I thought I handled fairly. Then some weeks later after I thought it was all resolved the wife of the couple phoned me up; not agressively, nor judgementally, but just too tell me she was hurt, and I feel like a sh*t.

and now i don't feel I can ever ask them for a favour again.

TV/TS

2007-09-02T14:28:00.000Z

Days without cigarettes - 121 but damn last night was close
Days without wine - when you say 'day' what exactly do you mean?

Perturbing incident this week that gave me pause. I went back to the uk to visit a friend who had felt neglected by me of late. We had fun, we talked a lot and we drank a lot and we ate a lot, but we also disagreed a lot which I didn't like. She is studying to be a psychotherapist and menioned she had mentioned me in a classroom session on tg issues (as in 'I have a friend who....'). She told me this before but on Sunday she mentioned something else. When she said I was having IPL her tutor said that in her experience that was an indication that its more than being TV. That it was an indication of being TS. I'm sure as I can be that I'm not, I've always said that if it was a no effort option then I'd do it, I want to be a girl but I don't *need* to be a girl if that makes sense.

However my friend said that I was just in denial and sub consciously I wanted to change sex. Aarrgghhh that annoyed me, no consideration that perhaps my opinion was valid just 'must be in denial because the books say so' grrrr, some lip buttoning was called for. I'd bloody better not be TS I spent long enough till I came out as TV I'd hate to think I'm wasting time now when I should be off to Thailand to come home several pounds lighter (slight exageration as the glacier pics will testify)

On a nicer note I went out last night for a works do and told a friends wife, they are this lovely couple I have been thinking of telling for a while, just so I can stop watching my tongue around them and de-princessing before they come round. Great reaction as expected, not even a blink until I showed her the pics, now she wants to go out with me as Gillian some night, should be fun.

Getting Neked

2007-08-19T13:24:00.000Z

Or "When Gillian discovered she was borderline naturist"

I've just had a rather interesting and fun day and before I got home it was on the BBC news website here

What a day, a real eye opener. We had a trek to the first photo point, there was a guy treking naked, as I walked behind watching his bouncing buttocks I was struck by the parallel to trannying, here was this guy doing what he wanted to do and no one was freaked by it, he was also having a normal everyday conversation with the girl walking alongside him. I wondered if this was a big deal to him that he was getting to do this. While a younger scared Gillian would have thought 'Oh I want to go out wearing a dress' I wonder if he'd have thought 'Oh I want to go out wearing nothing at all'. I do have a photo of him from the front but trust me you don't want to see that.

The first shoot (or installation as we call them daaahling) was amongst the rocks overlooking the retreating glacier that was the symbol for the environmental effects of global warming. A tad freaky to be sitting there one minute then standing up and getting your kit off in front of the rather nice work colleage and her friend you brought along. It didn't take long at all to feel ok with it and then it really took on a kind of stark beauty - I got it. At one point we were all standing facing the camera, all these naked people, no one smiling, hands at our sides looking at this thing that was being destroyed was so moving, I felt my eyes get watery.

Then kit on, lunch and off onto the glacier proper, strip off, into little white shoes with a white mat to protect your bum and we traipse before the camera, again incredibly incredibly moving, the setting, the silence the naturalness of everyone being stark bollock naked, beautiful so amazingly tragically beautiful.

Unfortunately we had to miss the last installation as we were told everyone with a train to catch should leave now. About half the 550 strong group had to leave, as we climbed back up from the glacier, the thought came to mind that it might make a nice pic to do our own shots with the Specncer Tunick crowd in the background a couple of looks at each other and the three of us stripped off and did it and I think the photos are damn good. Two in particular are fab but I can't post them as theres other people in them.
Again I felt a parallel to trannying, the three of us stripping again could not have felt more natural, while we were taking one pic an old lady wandered over to ask if she could take one, 'yeah sure why not' all this while dozens of people wandered past. Then when we dressed and carried on we passed a lake with a group skinny dipping in it

This was a rather special day, made more so by the fact that I didn't expect anything from it, I was just doing it from curiosity. Isn't that pic of the glacier beautiful? it's retreated 120 metres in the last two years, it'll be gone in our lifetimes.

Oh and no I hadn't been swimming but yes it was cold!

A lot to be thankful for

2007-08-14T04:22:00.000Z

Feeling reflective just now, - people come up and check their makeup in me (da da tish, thanks I'm here all week, please, try the fish)

It's been a funny few years since the ex went and gorn and asked for a divorce, much of it spent wearing girls clothes. People whose websites I used to read thinking 'oh I wish I could do that' I now count as friends. I remember well just wishing for one night in a dress, just one night in public, in a dress then I can die happy. I have no idea how often I've done that now, I stopped counting nights out after 10. That makes me laugh, was I the only one who counted them?? 'Hi my name is Gillian and this is my third time out.'

I've met some truly nice people and met girls who didn't care I was wearing a skirt, real honest to goodness girls who didn't just guffaw in my face as I expected them to.

I feel like setting down some highlights oh the journey

First girlie gift - a dress from Debi the night I told her
Shopping for and trying on dresses - again with Debi
First night out - Angelic at Pink Punters, what a night
Telling friends and being accepted
Gift of makeup from Linds
Gift of blouses from Linds, including one I had lusted over.
Gifts of a gazillion dresses from Karen, including two I adored when she wore them
Girlfriends being so normal and matter of fact about it all; chatting about clothes and makeup without sniggering at me.
Going out with Debi dressed to a normal restaurant
Meeting Bonnie dressed for a quick nightcap.
Sparkle fashion show, wow, heres a real girl, deciding which girls clothes I'm going to be wearing and not batting an eye about the fact I'm actually a bloke.
Flying to Sparkle; still seems like a dream that, can't believe I actually did it.
Shopping in Zurich dressed, just hanging out, being a girl.
Going on a date with someone who knows and it just not being an issue.

Things are feeling very natural of late, perhaps too natural, I get home from work, it's hot, I put on a denim mini and a strappy top and then sort of forget about it and get on with my night, I swear one night I am going to forget and just walk out the flat like that. Theres almost a buzz from not getting a buzz. Take right now for example, I couldn't sleep because I was being totured by a mossie (look take a bite you bitch but why fly into my ear with that incessant buzzing), so I'm sitting here satin chemise, satin house coat but I'm not thinking 'oh wow cool look at me dressed like a girl' it's just me, wearing some night clothes.

Contented sigh

Tonight I will mostly be crying

2007-08-08T21:23:00.001Z

about this book. I have literally just finished it and tears are still wet on my face and my eyes are red, Lying there alone in bed I had to offload before I could go to sleep, so here we are, late night blogging. It's a fine book and it had me laughing from page 1 and laughing on the train in the way that other people see you laughing and smile. You might want to skip the end bit.

It's not something a non dog lover will ever understand; how much they can get under your skin, it's also brought back some memories of the wonderful pooch I lost in the divorce. I miss that pooch, I wonder what she looks like now, last I saw her she was being roughly dragged out the house, looking back at me, wonder if she would even recognise me. One time during the living hell that was sharing the same house while selling the house the ex decided to stop referring to me as 'Daddy' when talking to the pooch using instead my name, a simple thing but it hurt.

Actually that wasn't how this post was meant to be, it was about that book a celebration of the life of a seriously nutty dog, and now feeling offloaded, it's time for bed.

Gillian x

Trial by Hair

2007-08-01T09:10:00.000Z

Days without cigarettes:101 - Hey I made it to 100 and didn't notice!
Days without wine: look it was the end of the bottle OK!
Days without negative comments about my hair 0.

My hairs a bit of a state, I want it long, I want to go out without a wig but it's taking so long to grow, not helped by Miss Adams whose hair was significantly shorter than mine when we met, 2 years and a gender ago and is now significantly longer - grrr.

anyway it's a struggle to look after it, it takes a lot of effort in the morning to get it looking presentable, then 5 minutes after I step out the door the hair monkeys have been at it. I have it trimmed regularly but it doesn't take long to be back to messy. Drastic measures called for so I booked up a fancy stylists, the sort of place that has a 'consultation' beforehand thats not just 'whatdya want'. an hour and half later and a lot of cash lighter I wandered blinking into the daylight with more hair care chemicals than you can shake a stick at (actually thats not true, I did shake a stick at them, just to see, well I say stick, it was a wooden spatchula really)

Actually thats not the point, forget all that, the point was, I couldn't go swimming because I had this hair appointment and told the guy I was swimming with. Hell you'd think I was back at school, all these hair comments, all afternoon, wtf??? about every 6 weeks I go, but this idiot is making a big thing out of it, and then he's off on 'Oh you're getting wound up now' well yes I was, not because he's making me feel bad about myself but because hes trying to. What is it with some people? why would you try to make anyone feel less about themselves? what possible reason could you have for doing that? thats not to rule out contructive criticism, as a close friend said, "if your mums not going to tell you I will - get your hair cut!". With this guy I just felt like saying 'How dare you even have an opinion on what I do with my body'

It's one of the things I hate most in the man world, piss taking, it's a pathetic empty waste of an evening. I think I hate it so much because I've joined in in my younger less confident days, 'just having a laugh' no it's not; it's about trying to be alpha male and heres a big kiss to show you I don't care about being him. Women are so much more positive about each other, it's such a refreshing contrast.

OK that was the point, blog entry over but if you want to hear about the hair and the tranny bit read on.

So in the consultation I was just blatant about it 'I'm a transvestite so something that could be shaped in a feminine way too would be good' I think I shocked the lass a bit, she recovered but her eyes went a bit wide and it was an elephant in the room, although she did ask me if I'd seen the latest Annabel yet and we discussed whether ballerina shoes were nice or pointless but the conversation was more of the usual stylist/customer natter while I'm thinking 'I just gave you a HUGE conversation starter' she also said my eyebrows were too long and could she trim them :). I met some friends afterwards for a drink, one of the girls (who doesn't know) said 'it's nice, maybe a little feminine though' - MWWAAAAAAH!

Summer time and I'll be wearing - trousers!

2007-07-29T20:12:00.000Z

Days without cigarettes: enough to be getting podgy!!
Days without wine: hey give us a break, I almost didn't have any yesterday

Guys do have a pretty crap time of it you know. On Saturday I got up and it was roasting, I looked at my guy options for clothing, the least I could wear was long trousers and a t-shirt. I could wear shorts, but guys can't look smart in shorts, I tried on a running top (Vest instead of t-shirt) no good; I looked like a wife beater. So long trousers and a t-shirt. Not even thin linen trousers; that looked like a hippy in Thailand.

Off I went, sweltering. What I wanted to wear, so really really wanted was a denim mini, strappy top and flip flops, I didn't even feel like dressing up, I just wanted to wear something more comfortable. Ho hum, still theres others have it worse, even if it is self inflicted.

We have a lot of Hasidic jews around us, I walked behind some off to worship, the girls looked great, smart but light summery clothes in pastel shades. The guys looked ridiculous, big furry hats, yes furry!! In summer!! White shirt, black waistcoat, heavy black coat (satin tho, approving nod) fastened up, trousers and white stockings (grudging approving nod) The poor kid was somewhat similar. Nutters! And they smell! Actually thats not just being nasty, the ones in the full gettup are soaking in sweat in summer.

But I digress, same in the office, a guy cannot wear shorts to the office and look anything more than a bum, a girl has a world of leg-exposing options, sigh it's just not fair. Ironic that girls clothes should be the most and the least comfortable to wear.

Sulking, wanna wear something floaty floaty to work.

Pop Quiz, Pop Pickers in Girls Knickers

2007-07-26T18:55:00.001Z

Days without cigarettes: 83
Days without wine: what is this? a temperance society meeting go get me some wine!!

So - pop quiz: mobile goes at work, you notice a UK number, pick it up say hello and the line goes dead, now being the kind of girl who hates that sort of rudeness (how hard is it to say 'sorry wrong number?') you do a quick google for the number. It comes back as the number of the office of the guy your ex left you for.

What do you do??

apart from feel a bit wobbled of course.

The Emperor has no clothes

2007-07-25T19:41:00.000Z

Days without cigarettes, errr lots but never mind that now
Days without wine, too many, probably why I'm ranting and spouting bile.

Or to be more accurate the Iphone has no functionality.

I am learning to loathe the Iphone and the clowns falling overthemselves to buy it. I'm praying that I'm missing something and it's a Really Great Thing(TM) and the multitudes falling over themselves to get one, even queuing all night to get one are not just depressingly stupid people I have to misfortune to share a planet with.

I guess to be fair it's not the phone I hate, it's hype and those that fall for it, I hate hype, I hate spin, I love honesty. Lets look at the phone.

Ok cool looking - yes, undoubtedly
Breakthrough touch screen technology - no, my phone came out in 2005 and it has a large touch screen, admitedly not multi touch, but I'm missing the point here, it's a sodding phone, multi touch is going to be the bees knees on things like Microsoft Surface but on a phone??? How many digits can you get on the screen?!?

Features - duh uh!! It's a connectivity dinosaur, 2.5G!!! My gardners phone has 2.5G! 2.5G is what my phone uses when it's can't get a wifi or 3G connection. I stop surfing when all I can get is 2.5G. My phone is not a great phone btw, but it's got a helluva lot more than this toy.

Music, yes had it for years and a helluva lot more formats than the Iphone
Video yes had it for years and a helluva lot more formats than the Iphone
Camera - yes , two of, one for video calls.

It doesn't even have a sim card!! You are going to be locked to a service provder and held hostage to their pricing model.

Grrr but it will probably be a big success because in this shallow, superficial world we live in the sheep we call consumers will graze on the polished marketing promotions and buy what they're told to buy and say 'thank you'. Of course you can't expect them to waste time actually reading a specification or thinking about what they are buying, they're much too busy being told what flat screen to buy.

Grrr the man in the street has a mind of his own, but one each would be better.

We are not all the same

2007-07-17T18:50:00.000Z

Days without cigarettes, mmm somewhere over 70 now
Days without wine = 2 and let me tell you no one is more surprised than me!

I had an epiphany the other day, I was doing a bit of ruminating on what we are specifically my favourite of why why why. I was thinking about forum threads on how we all ought to pull together for the noble cause of men in girls clothes (btw to new readers, thats me, a bloke actually pretending to be a girl, kinda wierd, but not as wierd as one summer me and 'Scrumper' Clark found this dead....., well maybe a story for another day that one). So I'm thinking of these threads and as usually the hairy panty wearer brigade came in for some stick and the pneumatic boobs and red pvc brigade then other girls defended them saying we are a broad church and should be inclusive etc etc.

It ocurred to me that we won't pull together, we never will because it's not what we do thats a unifying factor, it's *why* we do it. That society groups us together under the heading ~~wierdos~~ transvestites does not matter if our aims don't coincide. I am never going to feel the warm fuzzy glow of sistership to a transvestite who throws on a pair of satin briefs and whiles away a happy few minutes bent double over a speeding fist. Nor am I likely to suggest a quiet cosy meal with a girl who just wants to dress to attract attention. I naturally gravitate to the girls who do it for the same reasons as I do, to have fun, to escape the mundane guy life, to try and fit in and look like and act like a girl.

To quote Gillian Stuart "We are not all the same"

Second life

2007-07-13T20:54:00.000Z

Saw this, snorted coffee out my nose, if second life was real life

Boy != Girl

2007-07-11T16:43:00.001Z

Days without cigarettes - 61
Days without wine - yeah like that's going to happen.

Had quite a specacular weekend there, a friend came over to visit, this was only the second time she'd met me as a boy. It was just a spur of the moment thing as she had holiday plans that fell through. Spectacular timing as Zurich was having a once-every-three-years festival that weekend.

It was a grand weekend. We ate at a fine restaurant (full marks to the girl for wearing killer heels (and she looked FAB!) even after I warned her we had a bit of a walk to the restaurant) spent time in the huge festival that was in Zurich, slept in a lot, cooked, drank loads of wine. I was much amused; got a bottle of vino in for dinner and another bottle just in case - cry from the kitchen 'which shall we open *first*' - good girl!. Met some friends, watched the most amazing firework show, saw some numbers from 'We Will Rock You', saw stunt flying, saw stunt diving. Saturday night we wandered down a sidestreet and stumbled on the most amazing Doors tribute band. They were very very very good and at last a bijou bop was had. We laughed a lot.

Then in a perfect finale a wasp stung me in the nether regions in the middle of the night, there was a large swelling and not in a good way. The itch is unbearable I've had my hands stuck down my trousers so much it's like a second puberty, apparently slumped against a wall clawing at my groin with my eyes rolling heavenwards saying 'ohh god that's good' is not a good look for me.

It was nice to have someone over and not de-princess the house, I had already decided I wasn't going to talk about tranny stuff but as it happened we talked about it a LOT, well not exactly about it but as we both have friends in the scene conversation naturally turned to subjects trans but I wasn't wandering about saying 'omg I wish I was wearing that etc etc' which was what I wanted to avoid.

A tad glum to find that she sees boy and girl me as much the same; I like to think that they are distinct personalities, I love when people comment on how different they are. Wonder why I should be miffed by that.

But it was great, and I had FUN! and I hope to see her again soon.

don't piss me off

2007-07-06T15:37:00.000Z

I can be a real intolerant bitch at times, I don't think I show it but my internal dialog has a hissy fit regularly, In an attempt to placate that dialog I am going to allow it some blog time to get some particularly stressful episodes off it's chest, here's some tmes recently where I've stood or smiled sweetly, meanwhile under the covers the internal dialog has been SCREAMINGGG!!

People who wait till they get to the checkout before they get out their purses
WHAT? YOU THOUGHT MAYBE THIS TIME THEY WOULDN'T ASK YOU TO PAY?? DON'T WORRY THERES ONLY A HUNDRED PEOPLE BEHIND YOU TRYING TO BUY DINNER AND GET HOME, NO RUSH YOU DIPSH*T. OH FFS SHE'S WRITING OUT A CHEQUE, I HATE YOUUUUU

We're late to board a plane, theres a connection to be made someone stops to chat to the stewardess.
MOVE IT CASANOVA, SHE'S NOT INTERESTED, MAYBE IF YOU SPENT MORE THAN 2 1/2 P ON YOUR ENTIRE ENSEMBLE YOU CHEAP SHMUCK, FIND YOUR SEAT, SIT DOWN, SHUT UP.

Little pickers at the salad bar, under no circumstances is it acceptable to take more than one scoop from any dish at the salad bowl unless all previous scoops were full.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! WHY DID YOU SHAKE SWEETCORN OFF THE SPOON THEN TAKE ANOTHER SCOOP, WHY ARE YOU SHAKING THAT SCOOP, WTF! THAT'S THREE, DO YOU THINK I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WAIT FOR YOU TO NIT PICK YOUR WAY THROUGH THE ENTIRE SALAD BAR TAKE ONE BIG ONE. FFS SHE'S DOING IT WITH THE SALAD DRESSING NOW ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO PISS ME OFF??!!

Guy in front of me at the xray machine at the airport putting everything he owned through it.
STOP STRIPPING YOU PERVERT, WHAT ARE YOU SOME SORT OF NUDIST? PUT YOUR BAG AND COAT ON THE BELT AND PISS OFF, DON'T YOU NOTICE YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON HERE WEARING NO SHOES WITH THEIR BELTLESS TROUSERS FALLING DOWN??? HELLS BELLS WHATS YOU WIFE SAYING? HE DOESN'T CARE THERE'S METAL IN YOUR BRA LUV, PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT OFF I'VE JUST EATEN.

Woman in front of me in the plane stopping me getting to my seat 'Shall I put this in the overhead locker?' NO, SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE.

The travelling brass band who made me late by blocking the escalators taking photos
DIE DIE YOU ALL MUST DIE.

Phewww and relax, engage Gillian mode, breathe deeply, ahhhh that's really so much better. I think this is the only reason I can stay calm and smiling because I am picturing a slow and painful death for my antagonists

Thats not funny!!

2007-06-28T21:15:00.000Z

Officially I am mortally offended, met this tranny at Sparkle and heard about these tshirt designs, I think they're brilliant (unofficially) WARNING not for the easily offended!nasty-tranny

Mood tonight a little down, got hit by a gigantic wave of dog missing over the weekend, the wonderful wonderful pooch we used to have, possibly the naughtiest lab in existance, accomplished beggar, thief, oversized lapdog, and keen collector of large sticks and small trees. Would really love to see her again.

She had a flat bum, thats unusual for a lab and that meant she could beg for ages without falling over, one of her cousins saw the attention she got doing it and tried to teach himself how to do it, he had a round bum and fell over a lot.

And tonight I will mostly be listening to this

Lyrics here

and one more for fun, I think this is so beautiful it can make me cry just watching it

--------------
Cave canew
Beware of the dog

Sandra Bullock

2007-06-25T16:24:00.000Z

Sparkle; verb; to go out and have a good time, probably wearing girls clothes.

I just Sparkled, what great fun that was, from Thursday night to Sunday morning I didn't wear a stitch of boy clothes and I flew out on Friday so that means.... I flew dressed, yayy me. This was a huge deal to me I'm not totally sure why, I think part of it is the commitment, once you pass through passport control, that's it, no turning back, you are stuck in that skirt boyo till you get to blighty.

It was verrry nerve racking, made worse by the flight leaving from Basel, so the journey was a train to zurich, a train to Basel, a bus to the airport then the flight whereupon the lovely Beck Richards met me. Like everything in this vestism we call trans it wasn't a problem; like before the Swiss will not react and the uk were pretty much the same. I was expecting sniggers at Manc but no, no problems. Quite a buzz really but again no pics but Becky can provide an affidavit that I came out dressed, and she picked me up dressed which was pretty cool too (and she looked gorgeous!!)

The weekend was brilliant, as usual I didn't get to talk to enough people. I think I need to change my social habits, I end up flitting between multiple groups instead of spending proper time catching up, great to see Clarissa (Sorry again about lunch, I already had my date planned ) Jo, Becky and Jane, gutted I didn't run into you at night but I did need asprin and a lie down at lunch. Had a good old chat with Karol where we were discussing if it was worth turning gay to become a Persian princess as there was a gay Persian prince around. Had a fab dinner with Laura at Malmaison - oi Laura!, Karol was eating in her room there!! - where we got chatting to some lovely rgs about life, loves and fashion.

Caught up with the delectable Lili and Anna, Lili was so funny in Cruz -'looook lots of guys in their underwear!!!'

Had a minor shop in Manc where I concieved the concept of decoy trannies, see I reckon theres a market for a service where a confident tranny dresses inappropriately - pneumatic boobs, red pvc mini etc, you know the kind and goes out shopping at the same time as a not so confident tranny, thus drawing attention from the muggles.

The events in the park were great fun pity the rain came down. Some complained about the cold, but it was perfect for me, I didn't want to be sweaty in the dress I was wearing. Well, it was perfect untł I decided it would be more girly to be cold, so I put effort into being cold :).

Sat night I had a new tranny experience, normally at the end of the night I can spend ages delaying taking the wig off; I make a cuppa, and look at myself in the mirror loathe to start de-princessing, this time it was very busines like, in hotel, rug off, makeup off, bed. I think boy me felt a need to reassert himself, besides I had a lunch date with the delectable Catherine on Sunday and I was being a boy.

Too much wine, not enough dancing (way too hot, dancing was limited to short bursts then back to the air conditioning) not enough sleep. Lots of people to party with, a great weekend and a huge thank you to the orgaisers for another wonderful weekend.

Thuggery

2007-06-17T20:24:00.000Z

Might have got my calculations wrong last time
Days without cigarettes - 44
Days without wine - 1 (rounded up)

Little bit of unpleasantness the other week, this thuggish looking kid came on the train: baseball cap, hoodie, lots of cheap jewelry, permanent scowl, he swaggered up to where I was sitting. 'Is this seat free?' he said politely, 'Yes it's free' I replied, not going to be out-polited by the likes of him. There was no touble after that, I think I dealt with it quite well.

I've had fun this weekend, I needed to do some shopping for Sparkle so knowing the swiss rules about dressing like a girl when shopping for girls clothes for yourself I HAD to dress like a girl. So reluctantly I got up early on Saturday and got the slap on and debated over outfits, I reallllly wanted to wear a skirt, but opted for trousers for the fitting in factor, damn it's nicer to be in a small strappy top in this weather. So got the slap on, got dressed, then spent an hour doing meaningless tasks around the apt before admiting I was prevaricating and giving myself a stiff kicking out the door.

Thats three times leaving the appt dressed now, not met a neighbour yet, I wish I could get it over with. Anyway, nothing to report, it was lovely, just like last time, no reaction, no looks, no problem. The only thing I didn't do was use the changing rooms, I must check with the trannie info office - Swiss section. As it was, luck was with me; the dress I bought for Sat Sparkle night fits, the skirt I bought for Sat day is maybe a tad big but not enough that I'll take it back, new handbag is lush, new magnetic earings hurt like the fires of hell.

Piccies?? well I had my camera, but seriously how can I take piccies on my own, shopping, without looking like a clown?? Now I am well aware that this represents a breach of tranny etiquette and under the tranny act of 2006 this shopping trip can be deemed not to have ocurred and I may face penalties for even referencing this non-existent trip, but dammit, I did it, on my own, and I had FUN!!!

Had a big flashback to it today, on Sat I was travelling in the tram back home and idly enjoying the feel of my pony tail brushing against the top of my back and wondering how it looked to the bloke sitting behind me (I was struck my massive paranoia that the wig cap was showing). Today (Sun) I was on the same tramline and caught myself lifting my chin and moving my head to feel the ponytail again, alas today there was no pony tail to feel.

Good evening - Wintherthur!!! You Rock!!!

2007-06-07T16:48:00.000Z

last cigarette, 27 days ago
last wine - please - be serious.

Bit of a boy post this.

Blast from the past last weekend, I went to see Saxon, Motorhead and Black Sabbath at a local town, twas damn good, I sometimes feel like someones dad going to a concert these days, but as soon as the music kicked in I was back at Uni again, drinking cheap cider and punching the air. Saxon weren't bad but Biff (singer) is looking very old, meanwhile Motorhead look pretty much like the last time I saw them a million years ago at Edinburgh playhouse. Lemmy has to be one of the coolest creatures on this earth, wanders on stage, takes a last drag of his fag, stubs it out and leans towards the microphone 'we're Motorhead, we play Rock n Roll' and off they went.

Sorry the photos a bit pants, phone camera and a LOT of pushing and shoving down the front. I think the swiss must have got the volume down a bit, Motorhead are the only band that have made me stuff things in my ears, but this time is was loud but not 'ohmygodmyheart' loud. Talking of stuffing things in your ears, lots of the crowd had earplugs, a friend told me this is very swiss.

I love rock concerts, I love the roughness, the smelliness, the sweatiness, I love not giving a damn, I love coming back from the bar and people bashing into you and getting beer on themselves and it's not even worth apologising because who cares? it's just beer and thats what happens at rock concerts, I love the pushing and shoving down the front, I love staggering out into the night air black and blue with my ears ringing and going looking for a bar for a croaky post mortem of the gig.

Oh yeah, and Black Sabbath were top too but Dio looked EXACTLY like he did when I saw him 20 years ago, given his prediliction for singing about devils, I wonder if theres a soul been sold there.

"In the misty morning,
on the edge of time....." - superb stuff

Things I have learned this week

2007-05-30T21:12:00.000Z

When working at a large bank, "the dog ate it" is not an acceptable reason why your project is late. Neither is "global warming" I knew the dog ate it was pushing it but I was sure it could be blamed on global warming, everything else is.

I also learned I have very cool friends, I got an email from Lindz when I was at work "did you get a parcel from me?" then followed a sequence of emails along the lines of "tell me, tell me tell me" "no, it's for Gillian" "TELL MEEEEE" so busting a gut I got home after being out late (which was torture) to find this:

Happy sigh, I was telling her I wanted my ears pierced so now I have to do it, and I can't wait, I know I crack on about acceptance and stuff, but it really is an enormous deal to me.

I learned I have a new blog reader, hello Cat, totally forgot you would have access to this.

I learned that second life is addictive, I spent hours and hours sitting by a camp fire just chewing the fat.

I learned the guy behind me at work can average one sniff every 7 seconds for at least two minutes.

I learned that two minutes is as long as I can put up with someone sniffing on average every seven seconds before screaming 'USE A HANKY!!!' or going to the coffee machine.

I re-learned that records should not be left in direct sunlight

I learned that I can go skiing this weekend if I want, the local resort is opening a few lifts -it's the end of May!!

and lastly I learned that I am inordinately excited about going to see Motorhead Saxon and Black Sabbath at the weekend, I'm going to spend a day getting hammered, sweaty, deafened and end up black and blue and I can't wait.

-----------------
Tu stupidus es
You are dumb.

Coincidence

2007-05-15T21:34:00.000Z

Shortly after the ex left me I happened to hear U2 - One on the radio, do you ever hear a track while you are doing something else and it catches your attention immediately? The lyric that caught me was

"It's too late, tonight
To drag the past out
Into the light"

You probably see the connection, the ex after she left me embarked on what seemed a frenzy of outing, this lyric summed it up for me.

I listened to the track a lot after that, at the time it really spoke to me and seemed a perfect commentary on the events of the time.

"Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame"

She could never accept responsibility, it always had to be someone elses fault, me being a transvestite was a perfect reason to leave me.

"Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste In your mouth?"

Her comment when I eventually managed to tell her before we got married - "Thats disgusting" - I was still me Julia.

"one love, we get to share it
Leaves you baby if you don't care for it"

Well thats true, I took her too much for granted at times, well a lot.

"Did I ask too much?
More than a lot?"

Was it such a hard thing to accept this side of me?

"one life, you got to do what you should"

Like just be me?

So what prompted this? well I was just about to go to bed and for no adequately explained reason I realised I'd never seen the video and searched for it on YouTube. I can enjoy it now with a wry smile on my face rather than the racking sobs of yesteryear but I was completely unprepared for what is on screen during the lyric that first brought the song to my attention, it's at 1min 32 secs if you are interested. Or 3m 05 if the counters counting backwards, or just watch the whole vid, it's worth it.

Ich bin ein Transvestit

2007-05-12T18:24:00.000Z

What a cool couple of days I've just had, look back about bemoaning about not having a scene to go to, fast forward to now. The lovely Becky Richards was in the country and came up to visit. Minor chaos when Becky lost her phone which was our means of meeting up, thank goodness for mobile email.

We were either going to go eat at a veggie restaurant or find the tranny Stammtisch(regular table). Stammtisch won and whata giggle that was, leaving the flat dressed, public transport in a foreign country, in an area of the city I didn't know. We got to the bar/cafe and yayyyy swiss trannies!!! They were lovely, in no time the tables were re-organised and we were slotted in, they all spoke English and assured us they didn't mind (very embarassing to be the only mono-linguals there). A small group, ~ about 8 girls, one boy and the delightfully camp owner. They were staggered by our descriptions of the UK scene and the size of the UK Angels and Roses. One of the girls estimated the active scene in switzerland at about 100.

So we drank, we ate, we chatted, some of the girls were heading off to a club afterwards but Becky and I called it a day to be 'fresh' (we left at 2am) enough to shop in Zurich.

So Sat, up v early - Zzzzzzz to get ready and go to town, more public transport then wandering around the shops (didn't buy much, some new sunnies and a bangle, saw a gorg red skirt in Zara that I should have got tho). Shopped back in H&M where they seemed a bit rude in boy mode, they couldn't have been nicer this time. I am told the rule is that if you want to shop for girls clothes for yourself then bloody look like a girl!! ok cool rule, I can do that :).

Only a couple of hours shopping then we had to get Beckys evil twin out the box to fly home. So Becky de-princessed and err, I didn't, I changed from a skirt and top into jeans and blouse and off we went to Basel look thats me on the train.

It was quite a buzz really, knowing that it's just me on the way back. What a lovely couple of days and no-one batted an eye, it was like its just the most normal thing in the world.

Welcome Lindsey

2007-05-08T19:13:00.000Z

A muggle friend just found this blog and called me up today to tell me, so big hello to Lindsey. How fab is this girl? she found the blog by trying to find me a scene in Switzerland, a few searches of transvestite, Zurich and up I popped. Hmm quandry time, now faced with the dilema I see other bloggers have had, it's easier to be honest when you know it's being bounced of the blogosphere, it's a bit different when theres flesh and blood real world friends reading it. The girl is incredibly nosey and I'm sure she'll read all of it, she's also a fantastic person that I'm proud to call a friend (does that make up for the nosey comment???)

Heres a measure of the girl; once I was staying at her house, downstairs in the basement office just killing time on the PC feeling utterly awful about the ex and Lindsay came down with some blouses 'I was going to throw these out but I wondered if you might want any of them' pretty damn perfect timing that was.

------------------------
Tua toga suspina est
Your toga is backwards

I Predict a Riot

2007-05-01T19:33:00.000Z

and I was right!

The inherited wisdom for Zurich Mayday is not to go into town, there are regular demonstrations, that often become violent riots. Red flag, bull. So off I pedalled, camera in hand looking for trouble. It wasn't hard to find, I had two possible locations where I'd heard it was going to kick off and a sea of black clad anarchists greeted me at location #2. At this point I realised I was dressed like a preppy, I could not have stood out more had I went en-femme, however I ingratiated myself by asking if I could take piccies and not trying to take any if the answer was no.

The demo went smoothly enough, just one run in with the forces of law and order at which point the throng diverted as they were meant to and we ended up at the start point again without incident, well almost, as we got back to the square it all started at a government building had it's door kicked in and fireworks thrown in. Then a re-grouping and those looking for a fight kicked of with shocking speed, I ended up running like crazy ducking down streets to try to keep ahead while not getting in the throng, the violence started slowly, a couple of bus shelters getting smashed, then it was shop windows, then cars, then setting fire to cars,

all the while avoiding the police. I ended up back and forth across the police lines, it was actually more dodgy behind the lines because you had to dodge rocks. At one point I was snapping away when I realized I was standing right in front of their next target, a big rock hit the wall behind me and I was on my toes cracking paving slabs as I went to get to safety,

Every one arrived back at the main square again and the police started to move in. I'd never seen rubber bullets fired before and it's a scary sight, the police weren't shy about using them either, they fire in salvoes of about 8, a guy in front of me caught almost a full load in the chest,

Shortly after I saw some heading for me, you can see them coming at you from head on, I ducked one but another got me in the ribs, sore but no worse than a well hit squash ball. Tear gas was next which wasn't as terrible as I expected, like really bad hayfever with added chlorine smell. The protestors were busy pouring water in each others eyes, some were carrying gas masks.

It was a very exciting afternoon and the anarchist in me loved watching the 'kids' rebel but to what end? I wish I could hold a conversation in German I really wanted to sit down and have a chat with them, I bet their aims are laudible but the wonton vandalism was just sad, on the way home I diverted down where the BMW was burned and among the smashed up shops was a Thai takeaway - hey I bet big business really felt that blow.

Also the beemer was being towed away, the glass swept up, one bank was having the glass replaced already, tomorrow I'll cycle past and it will be like it never happend, whats the point?

At last!

2007-04-24T21:27:00.000Z

Yayyy I went out, properly! Back to the venue of my first ever trip, Club Angelic at Pink Punters, the theme was Bunny Girls (or bunny gorillas perhaps). What a great crowd, I was a little worried about turning up on my own but I needn't have, everyone friendly as always. Had some lovely compliments on my makeup, outfit and one spectacular compliment; I'm very self conscious about dancing, I realise that being male, white and heterosexual is not a combination conducive to dancing, 'being Gillian' allows my inhibitions to drop a bit and I can enjoy a good boogie while still accepting that I tread the fine line between dancing and fitting. I asked this girl I met there if she fancied a bop (how school disco of me :) and I was blown away she said 'hey a tranny that can dance' - I was beaming. Fortunately Debi Spopoo wasn't on the floor at the time, now theres a tranny that can dance.

I didn't do the bunny girl thing, it being so long since I'd been out I wanted to relish doing it 'straight' so just jeans and a blouse of cuteness for dinner then black mini, boots and gorg Next top that got a lot of comments (it's acetate, really touchy feely). I was shocked how good some of the girls looked, I expected tranny bunny girls to look baaaaadd, not at all. The rgs in theme did look fantastic tho, I pinned the tail back on the lovely Myffy, a very small pin, a dark club, nails and sozzled, it took about half an hour to reattach the sodding thing, I'm sure she thought I was touching her up :).

Had a good natter with some people I hadn't shared time with before, a good natter was had. 4am finish then up early to get down to londonium to cheer on a friend in the marathon then flight and home for half eleven zzzzzzz.

Err piccies- never took my camera out of my handbag, was just chatting or boogying all night.

Reconnecting with fear

2007-04-17T20:45:00.000Z

I went out yesterday, I decided I needed some makeup practice before the weekend in the UK so I got made up, made up led to dressed up (about an hour of different outfits, the spare room is still a disaster) dressed up lead to standing behind the door heart pumping which lead to going 'Sod it' and leaving the flat dressed. Didn't do much, I took my recycling up the street to the bins, then carried on for a 10 min walk round the neighbourhood.

I think I left this too long, it was no biggie, just a wander up the street, flat shoes, jeans, blouse but I was bloody scared. When I got back it all felt unreal, like a dream. It also felt very scary and natural at the same time, as I walked down the stairs (top floor flat) I almost forgot I was dressed as a girl, it was nice to walk down the street, I think I got a few looks, but no comments (the swiss are much too polite)

Slightly ashamed about how nervous I was but a bit pleased at doing it at last. Not before time methinks.

That's 4 now I think

2007-04-12T18:36:00.000Z

Frohe Ostern.!

Had 3 friends over this easter I had had someone staying with me for a week and deprincessed the flat already and as one of the girls brought her new b/f with her, (he was the only one who doesn't know about Gillian), I left it de-princessed. What a weekend, so hectic, so much booze, too many cigs, so much fun. Boating in the sun on lake Zurich, Shopping in Zurich and Basel, dinner at an awesome restaurant overlooking the city, some cycling and a days skiing to finish off. The b/f had never been on skis before and did damn well, just wish we could have got him up high to see some scenery.

One of the girls asked to borrow a belt one night before we went out, that sort of thing really tickles me , just the casual acceptance thing, 'yeah I know you're a bloke and you like to dress as a girl and I don't give a stuff.

Last night we ate at the Movie restaurant in Zurich, it's themed and cheesy but it makes me laugh, all the dishes are named after films, 'Breathless' - Garlic Bread. 'Some like it Hot' - Thai Red Curry, the side dishes are under the heading 'For a Few Dollars More', every now and then all the lights dim, and screens drop from the ceilings to show trailers for upcoming films for a couple of minutes.

Over dinner slightly out of earshot of her b/f one of the girls said 'So will you and Karen (the other girl) wear matching frocks and be bridesmaids at our wedding?' I'm taking it as in jest but I did assure her that I would love to. Oh bridesmaid update #2 the hottest possibility for 'Gillian the Bridesmaid' is not getting married this year after all, next year at the earliest, oh well it's for a great reason as her fledgling business is taking up more time.

Anyone else notice it?

2007-03-13T20:58:00.000Z

I'll probably find out this is old new amongst the blogs I'm behind in my reading, but I just noticed that the google bomb 'went off', the number one link on google for 'transvestite' is not Transformation anymore, go look

Hey maybe we really can change the world. Yayyy us!!!! Trannies rule!!!

I've been saving this bit of Latin corner for a special occasion and I think this is it, I think it fitting.

Latin Corner
----------------
Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo
I will fuck you in the ass, and have you give me some good head.

More essential German

2007-03-11T15:28:00.000Z

kann ich dieses austausche bitte.
or
"Can I exchange this please", particularly useful for buying girls clothes, going home, finding thez don't fit then going back to the shop for the larger size. The clothing in questions was this gorgeous blouse from H&M, black, fitted, with these cute puff button down sleeves. When I bought it they obviously thought it was a present and I got it in a cute little cardboard gift bag that I merrily swung as I headed homeward.

When I went back to return it I think they might have clicked that it was for me, because all I got was rather brusque service and my new blouse back in a standard poly bag, didn't even get my original gift bag bag. Ho hum, wait till I go and guy the 'DressToDieFor' from their window, because I plan on trying that on, perhaps with an RG in tow.

Then as I was eager to get home to try on the blouse of cuteness, I bumped into some friends, and ended up bevvying and eating curry till the wee small hours, all the while with my little bag of girls clothes.

Was talking to great mate Debi the other day, they have postponed their wedding plans to next year at the earliest, so no imminent bridesmaids duties there, part relieved to be honest.

--------------------
Ich bin ein transvestite
I am a transvestite (Male Gender, of course)

German lessons.

2007-02-28T21:21:00.000Z

Pay attention:
German has three genders to refer to nouns, Masculine, Feminine, Neuter. The gender for kleid (dress) is feminine, the gender for rock (skirt) is masculine, go figure.

The german word for 'bag' is 'tasche', the german word for 'table' is 'tische' this explains why the woman at the shop looked at me like I was an idiot when I asked for a poly bag for my groceries tonight.

--------------
Ich bin eine stucke Kase
I am a piece of cheese

In the end I was looking forward to the gay sex.

2007-02-24T09:27:00.000Z

Had a friend I met on holiday visit me last weekend (Hilary of the Guatemala tranny story) before she came I laid in a couple of films should we stay in one night, I thought she might like to watch award winning Brokeback Mountain, and I wanted to see the two men having sex. Sheesh what a waste of time, what is it with award winnning films that means they have got to be so dull, nothing happened except a bit of grunting round the campfire (shame on the director for not seizing on the comedic potential) in the end I was desperate for the shagging scene to add some interest to the whole proceedings. Eventually we turned it off and went into town.

It was a good weekend, we drank, we dined, we shopped, we went for an afternoons skiing, how cool's that? I can go ski for an afternoon, we didn't even get up early.

Life is hectic, too hectic, as well as my work here I am doing some UK work and it sucks, the last couple of weeks I've had hardly any me time and zero Gillian time. I'm losing faith in the trannying here, I got one response from several nice emails even apologising for mailing in English. My work has an LGBT forum and inspired by the 'T' I stuck my head over the parapet and mailed them (from this persona, I'm not stupid) saying I had started there and was the T for transexual or was there a place for 'just' a transvestite, no response, nada. Oh well, missing it dreadfully, just been checking out uk flights, and prices aren't so bad just now, so look out for me in the UK soon.

Movement on the ex front tho, I've not been blogging much about that, I've kept it a bit to myself for fear of being boring, rather silly as I started this blog as therapy for the breakup but I've been a bit down of late. Anyway, on the way back from the uk (had to visit the parents, dad was ill, could have been very bad, turned out to be high cholesterol - phews all round) I was browsing for books on NLP and sitting near them was this book. I'm kinda cynical about self help books, but I bought it anyway. This books been a revelation. It could very well have changed my life. In the 2 hours train trip from Geneva I put aside the most painful memories of my ex and they have stayed away, I'm becoming free of all the thoughts that my unconscious mind was throwing at me whenever my guard was down. What I learned was that our bains form patterns of automatic behaviour, like when you learned to drive, you had to concentrate on everything but now it is automatic because your brain has formed new pathways to shortcut the thinking process. The same was happening with me and my painful memories of the ex. It wasn't that I was being unhappy, it was that unhappiness had become automatic, a habit.

So I ran a few of the visualisation techniques described and I'm staggered by the results, the same memories come to mind but with far less power and effect than before. I'm feeling like a weights lifted.

Oh and I didn't tell Hilary I was a tranny :>).

--------------------
Non rape me si placet
Please don't rob me.

When does he become she?

2007-02-03T20:52:00.000Z

I saw a swiss tranny last week, a real live swiss tranny. Bit odd really, I got on the bus and theres this, well,bloke I would have to say. Nice hair, well styled and coloured, huge chav hoops but then it all went wrong. Considering the effort clearly put in the hair and how obvious it was, the rest was a bit strange, just guys clothes, a bit on the scruffy side and a bit of lipstick on an unshaven face. So at odds with the hair.

I wondered at his motivation. That got me thinking when does 'he' cross to 'she' when i saw this tranny I just automatically thought of the male pronoun, at what stage would I have started thinking 'she' I wonder.

It was quite refreshing, tho, just being out in the open and the only one on the bus that was staring was me, which was quite cool I thought.

What a Gas

2007-01-27T15:11:00.000Z

If this doesn't make you feel alive then you've got something wrong with your 'bit-of-your-brain-for-making-you-feel-alive' thing.

I love this piece of music, it can actually bring tears to my eyes and not just of laughter at the dodgy clobber.

Mr Williams thank you for this.

Not the first by far

2007-01-21T16:28:00.000Z

Had I been standing rather than reclining this could have rocked me back on my heels. I was reading my gazillionth book about Everest, this one by George Band, one of the original members of the '53 expedition that 'knocked the bastard off' as Edmund Hilary tactfully put it. The expedition had sold the story rights to the Times and they sent a young reporter by the name of James Morris to accompany the expedition, he deserves mention because not being a climber he still made it up to 20000 feet.

So what? you say. Well towards the end of the book is a 'what happened to them afterwards' heres an extract about James Morris,
James Morris was the 'anonymous' Special Correspondent of The Times attached to the expedition. ....... Although we never realised it in the 1950s, as he described in his book Conundrum, James increasingly felt he was a female imprisoned in a male body. After his children had reached maturity, he therefore took the brave and bold step to change gender, and now lives and writes as Jan Morris, and is always welcomed to our Welsh reunions. She continues to write prolifically and I envy the ease with which she does so, although A Writers World published in 2003 may be her swansong. She was recntly awarded the CBE

Imagine that, the expedition that finally summited Everest had a transgendered member. I'm gobsmacked, more so because I never knew, I'd heard of Jan Morris of course but not in the context of Everest and see how he just switched from 'he' to 'she', that was nice.

----------------------
Novus ordo saeculorum
A new order of ages.

Been a while

2007-01-14T21:10:00.000Z

Couldn't be bothered doing anything this weekend, watched some telly, did some shopping, in an attempt to achieve something I decided to unpack two boxes that have been annoying me. Funny what can catch you unawares, one box had Julias favourite red hat that she wore walking the dog, don't know how that ended up with me, she loved that, it's big and fluffy and made her look silly but she wore it anyway and I loved her for it.

And I still love her now. I slag her off and call her a witch to friends in an attempt to feel that way about her but it's not how I feel and every insult feels like a betrayal of her. She was so very special to me and it feels like everyday she becomes more special.

I miss my old life, right now even if it meant going back in the closet I think I would do it and thats just madness, people tell me I'm much happier now, that I seem a different person, calmer, nicer, but all that doesn't matter right now.

It's just a passing phase, I'll be fine tomorrow, think I'll throw out that damn hat.

Tranny or Pervert?

2007-01-11T21:11:00.000Z

Where is the time going, I've been wanting to blog about xmas but the days are flying past.

As is my wont I headed for foreign climes, this time Guatemala, perhaps a bit more research migh have been useful in my attempt to avoid Christmas, guatemala is religious, very very religious, you couldn't move for nativity scenes and religious icons.

I had a great time tho, highlights were
A days canyoning, beautiful waters and some excellent cliffs to jump from,
Being asked to take part in a shamanic ceremony, amazing luck, this ceremony was held once every 400 years. Wasn't allowed to take pics tho.
The ruins of Tikal, what a site, bigger than Angkor Wat and thats saying something, estimated 10,000 structures still to be uncovered.
A climb in the darkness above the canopy to watch the sun come up over the ruins, the sight was spectacular and the sounds of the howler monkeys was terrifying, think King Kong, but real and happening around you.

Christmas day I woke in a cheap hotel in Honduras, watching the ceiling fan spin lazily and stinking of stale booze and cigarettes. Then I got up and left the Hemmingway novel I seemed to find myself in and showered.

The group was great fun, there were some tranny bits too, apart from the piccie

I had lostst luggage so I ended up wearing my travelling partners trousers for a few days, just regular treking trousers but with a pink flowery insert round the inside of the waistband, how funny that the manufacturers should do that? its not visible, so why did they do it? My travelling partner knows about me btw and was much amused at me wearing her clothes

Other tranny bit was a comment from one of the girls on seeing a t-girl at work 'Hey thats a dude!!!' not very pc but it made me laugh.

The last tranny bit was not so good and inspired the title, one of the girls on the trip was a beauty consultant (Hilary) and she had a tranny client, nothing much to report, she only commented on his (dunno it just felt like a 'he' as she was telling me) terrible dress sense and beard shadow and how she had to steer him into the right clothes. Anyway she also runs point for a group of beauty consultants and therapists, some of whom just flat refuse to deal with trannies, bit sad but no worries however she said one girl had a tranny contact her who was freaking her out and passed on Hilarys number in desperation, so Hilary got calls from the tranny. Initially innocent enough, asking about the services and so on but then it moved to
'Will you put underwear on me?'
'What sort of pretty panties do you think would suit me?'
Then the phone calls started in the night and Hilary had to take it to the police. The police advised just to keep saying 'I'm sorry I can't help you' and it worked.

I'm cringing just thinking of it, I was clearly cringing at the time which Hilary took to be the 'guy in womens underwear' thing, if only she knew it was because I was wanting to say 'we aren't like that'. I'm still in touch with Hilary and there was snoggage, and she might come over here so maybe I'll have a chance to let her meet a normal tranny (hmm, I only have my opinion that I'm normal) I damn near came out to her on the trip but I was so embarassed by the story. It was a repeated a few times on the trip to laughter, and thats what people think we are. I've been told off a few times for not being tolerant enough but this sort of behaviour just winds me up.

OK so perverts too strong, one girls pervert is another girls sexual adventurer it's a nasty word anyway but it was quoting from an RG friend, we had a lovely night out where there was a creepy tranny there in addition to some great looking girls, on the way home we were discussing the creepy one and she said 'That wasn't a tranny that was just a pervert'. So I'm intolerant of that sort of tranny, so shoot me.

--------------------
Nomina stultorum parietibus hoerent
The names of fools are seen upon the walls.

OMG, it sold

2007-01-05T20:17:00.000Z

After two relistings this monstrosity was sold.

Theres nowt as queer as folk

-----------
Cave canem
Beware of the dog

When Angels go bad

2007-01-05T17:46:00.000Z

Returned from some xmas travelling in the jungles of Guatemala and the drinking dens of Honduras (more later) to some amazing information on the blogsphere. Seems that our kind is making inroads in primetime media, first we had Siobhan on the telly, (the TV on the TV) then Becky made it onto the radio (the tranny on the tranny). Imagine then my surprise while flicking through this months 'Bizarre' mag at the <coughs> dentist to see yet another tranny chum making it into the media. I have to say I never thought it of her, she always seems like butter wouldn't melt, but you always have to watch out for the quiet ones.

My other tranny friend,

2006-12-20T23:45:00.000Z

Was talking to two good muggle friends the other day and mentioned that I hadn't got my butt in gear to get out yet since coming over here. The bloke said 'I'll ask another tranny friend where he goes'
'eskweeze me?' I said
'Another tranny friend?, I don't bloody think so, I'm the only one of your friends cool enough to be a tranny, what are you? Some kind of serial tranny befriender or something?, I'll be the only tranny in this social circle thank you very much'

Actually I nodded and said 'oh cool' but I was thinking the above, what's going on here? Are we becoming mainstream? What'll happen at parties?
'oh good you're Gillian tonight, you'll be able to talk to Heidi she's a tranny too'
'Jesus christ! A bloke in a dress!!'

Maybe it's less about acceptance and more about mememememe. I did surprise myself, I never actually assumed any muggles would have another tranny chum, probably a bit egocentric there, like I am this strange and wonderful thing that they have been blessed to know, how dare they know another!! Yet to see piccies, I have to know if I am prettier than HIM, god I'm such a bitch :).

Time limited post

2006-11-30T20:35:00.000Z

Obviously some new use of the word 'gorgeous' I was not previously aware of.

Irritating

2006-11-25T05:11:00.000Z

I think I am a very irritable person, sometimes a tiny thing can annoy me so much I just want to explode, take tonight, coming home on the s-bahn, this woman made sure she got on the train first, thats not very Swiss. Then spread herself over a couple of chairs (this is actually very swiss) I sat opposite her, not by design, it just happened. She had a mean twisted up face, with pursed lips like a doggys bottom and hard eyes. I didn't like her, if I was a dog I'd have barked at her. And she chewed. I'm trying to do some stuff on my pda and constantly theres this motion of her chewing, not like a chewing gum chew, chew, chew, chew but this was

chewchewchewchewchewchewchewchewchewchewchew
chewchewchewchewchewchewchewchewchewchewchew
chewchewchewchewchewchewchewchewchewchewchew
chewchewchewchewchewchewchewchewchew

I felt like screaming 'Spit it out or swallow is FFS!' She was busy chewing and working her phone, I imagined she was sending texts saying 'pay what you owe or you are all out on the streets, including your old disabled granma' or 'new broom, and more eye of newt'

Other things that irritate:
- People who get to the top of an escalator and immediately stop to look around,
- People who stand on the left of the escalator blocking it and are totally oblivious to the 50 people behind them trying to get to their trains.
- Leg bouncers, thats people who can't sit without bouncing their leg constantly, and if the leg bounce happens to hit a table that I'm using that drives me mad.
- Ring tones!
- Playing music via a mobile phone - it's a stupid tinny little speaker you moron, the sound quality is pants!.
- People saying 'as I said' what do you actually mean?
- People saying 'I already told you that' this was an ex wife staple 'are we busy Friday night', 'I already told you that' , 'Oh did you? excuse me, I must have been asking the question solely to annoy you, my mistake'.
- People mostly.
- People who chew with their mouth open (I swear I'd have killed s-bahn lady is she did that)
- Cars that automatically activate the windscreen wipers when you press the skoosh skoosh button, 'Great thanks! I just wanted to see if I had any water left and now you've just smeared the windscreen for me'
- NIH attitudes.
- Centre lane hoggers
- Chavs
- 60 second nail polish
- not having someone to zip me into a dress
- Paris Hilton

I reckon I could go postal easy.

6am Can't sleep

2006-11-17T06:38:00.000Z

Two blog posts again in a day, well 24 hours, which is normally a day except one was last night and ones this morning, ok you get it. Just catching up on blog readings and I saw Janes linked to the BBC2 Idents vid, that made me think of my fav BBC trailer 'thingy' and lo and behold it was there, I love the way this was put together and it makes me cry for some unknown reason, it's just bloody excellent, enjoy

Just a quote

2006-11-16T20:37:00.000Z

I've been very busy of late, works at last getting busy, went back to the uk for a party last weekend. Excuse my ego stroking but lets just relay a quote from the morning after the party, now what was it? Oh yes - ahem - 'an outstanding kisser and the hottest guy there by far'. OK I would have preferred 'hottest chick' but you take what you get.

I got chatting to one of the girls at the party and we ended up in a delicious heap and woke in each others arms, twas lovely and much needed. What's more this was DESPITE her knowing I wear girls clothes.

Several people there knew, the co-hostesses did, they both had amazing dresses which I complemented them on; both said I could wear them if I wanted, well I'd love to girls but not without a few hours and a ton of slap.

I'm thinking I might be talking too much in the real world about tranny stuff. When my first gay mate came out 'being gay' was his only topic of conversation, and what saunas he'd been to and - well lets say 'etc'. It was a little dull. Now I understand and fear I'm becoming too tranny, after so much repression I just want to talk about it all the time I need that constant affirmation from RGs that 'its OK'. Might be time to put a lid on it a bit.

Switzerland continues to fascinate me, the cool kids are giving it large on the trains feet up on the seats but with their shoes off. Businessmen wander about swigging from cans of beer in the street, the rough looking guy opposite me on the train this morning sat sipping his glass of milk. I like it.

-----------------------
Suppedisne
Did you fart quietly?

it's a sodding phone

2006-11-09T22:07:00.000Z

bought this 2 days ago

selling it tomorrow. I like gadgetry as a rule but i have never 'got' mobile phones. From the start a phones been something to speak to people via, ocassionally to make crank calls with, sometimes to call my ex in the wee small hours with (that was a joke). Friends would say 'you like gadgets, look at my new phone it's got a camera/torch/compass/tin opener on it and I'd look at them like they had two heads 'it's a sodding phone' I'd say 'but I can set a custom ring tone, listen it plays Scotland the brave' and I'd shake my head. Have you ever noticed how people with 'funky' ringtones move so fast to shut it off when it rings? while 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' must have seemed hysterical at home, it's a bit embarassing when it goes off at work.

The whole mobile phone-as-gadget thing passed me by and I've had the same old Nokia for forever, I had to get a swiss contract so I thought 'sod it, lets see whats the fuss about' and bought the phone above, apparently it's a good one. Two days of squinting at a poxy little screen and the new sim cards gone in the Nokia. I just don't get it.

It's a sodding phone!!! meh!

What I hate most

2006-11-07T19:28:00.000Z

You know what I hate most about being over here? lack of wearing girls clothes aside. It's miming, I hate not knowing the language and feeling like an idiot, it's only temporary until I get german lessons sorted out but when my best 'Sprechen Sie English' is met with a nein, or 'Parlez vous Anglais' with a 'non' (which happens a helluva lot more than the 'nein' my shoulders slump and the mime begins. I hate the mime, but what can you do, shouting loudly doesn't seem to work.

I had to do the mime with the dinner ladies at work, 'something' was wrong with my pre-charged payment card, we mimed 'come back tomorrow' so I did without lunch then went back today and got my card back, none the wiser as to what had happened, still at least I got to eat.

I had to go to the chemist, a hopeful 'können Sie Englisch sprechen' met by 'lieder nicht' so the shoulders slumped and we began the mime
2 words
first word
4 syllables
sounds like
emma freud

Well that went well

2006-11-03T18:50:00.000Z

Well I think we dealt with that in a reasonably mature fashion, some excellent points well made, truths that in this hectic world we live in it’s all too easy to forget, dogma is a shit film and we shouldn’t forget that.

Feeling pretty chilled just now, as I expected when I got my flat – sorry – apartment, I just felt so much better, I spent my first two nights there, on a sleeping bag on a wooden floor but I’ve just been grinning like a grinny thing, I’m feeling quite content. The ex has played on my thoughts an awful lot, avid blog readers might have noticed that my wedding anniversary passed last week (as long as somethings passing! – ed). I forgot about it and didn’t realise till the day after. In contrast to when she and the miserable little excuse for a human being she married normally play on my mind it’s not hurt, usually I just end up thinking “stupid cow”. That’s progress, yayy me. Actually lets expand on the miserable excuse bit blah blah, I’ve tried not to do too much slagging off as I don’t think it healthy or nice but I’ll make an exception here.

After the ex asked for a dee eye vee oh arse ee ee her now husband took me out for lunch so he could in his words ‘Look me in the eye and tell me there was nothing going on between him and my wife’, so now they are married and that still rocks me, I can’t understand how anyone could do that and call themselves a man, he sat there sweating (which I put down to him being no stranger to a fish supper) and treated me like a friend while lying to me, horrible horrible thing to do. I’ll leave the last word to an Oz girl I met on hold who asked about it “ what a c…!” and we’ll leave that one there.

So yeah I feel happy, well as happy as I can be when not actively wearing girls clothes and pretending to be a girl. Works good if slightly dull, offices are nice, comfortable, spacious, gym, sleeping room (true) and people are friendly. Now I’ve moved I can start building a social life, contented sigh.

The Swiss love to smoke, it’s a national pastime, it’s their favourite thing so a quick vist to a pub ends in a smelly fug (genius rhyme). They also like to wander about drinking in public, that’s something I’m so not used to but you’ll see everyone doing it, there’s a ‘beers of the world’ shop in Zurich train station that has a bottle opener fixed to the wall outside so you can buy your booze crack it open and wander off swigging.

One for A. Nonymouse

2006-10-31T19:23:00.000Z

Not sure I like the political slant this has taken, seems people wanted to pick on one of my reasons for leaving the UK and make a big deal out of it, anyway lets proceed with caution and see where it goes, but if it gets too non-fluffy then I’m just going to delete it.

The point of this blog is that it’s my blog, it’s where I dump my thoughts, perhaps where I say something too personal to communicate face to face, somewhere I leave ‘my`notes on trees’. While I’m immensely flattered if someone reads it, more so if they comment, it’s just my blog, it’s not a discussion forum, it’s not a mechanism to gauge my popularity by counting stats, it’s not a weapon to attack anyone who disagrees with me, it’s just a bit of me that leaks into cyberspace and if no one read it it would still trundle on much the same.

So the blog for A. Nonymouse (the names have been changed to protect the err, the anonymous) to answer your questions

How can I be anti-immigration and pro-emigration?

Can I just stop for a moment; I’m on a train for Zurich, we’ve just stopped at Bern and this girl has got on and sat opposite me and I love her outfit, cute kitten heels with pilgrim buckles, black smart knee length skirt, blouse with these fab huge cuffs, and a really fantastic baby pink mac, she’s amazingly girly and I want to be her right now!

ok so back, well it’s easy, I’m not anti-immigration as long as it’s managed, I like what Australia do
‘You wanna come in sport? Whats in it for us?’
‘You got pots of money, come on in’
‘You’ve got a history of starting successful businesses, come in, sit down, watch the cricket, those are the poms we hate them’
‘You’re a doctor? Here have a Fosters, on you go’
‘You’ve got a list of convictions as long as your arm and a history of sexual assault, get lost mate’

The UK didn’t do that, the borders were opened, no one knows how many people came into the country in the last decades, let alone who. The government estimated 15,000 immigrants from the new members of the EU, they got 600000 in the last two years. How can you be so far wrong? and who is going to pay for that mistake? Is a head going to roll? Is it hell!.

So ‘Why do the Muslims get a mention?’ probably because they are all over the media, call me topical but I react to what’s current, and right now Muslims are current, I actually have little time for organised religions and they all make me deeply uneasy, except Buddhism and that’s more a belief system than a religion. I’m not wholly ignorant of Islam I’ve spent long nights round the campfire in the Sahara talking politics and religion with my guide, I’ve taken tea with desert people in the Sinai (very surprised how deferential to the women, the guide virtually prostrated himself) and I had one very interesting half hour in a taxi in New York a month after 9/11 with a driver who taught me the real meaning of Jihad. I appreciate their culture but I don’t want to live in it.

Damn this girl is feminine, her makeup is perfect, sigh.

Multiculturalism a disaster? disaster/failure, it's a matter of degree, MP’s are starting to acknowledge it which means it was true years ago, Trevor Phillips head of the CRE acknowledges it with an excellent quote

“No amount of lecturing from comfortable middle-class liberals will brush away the anxiety felt in many of our towns and cities“

hell even the Grauniad is saying theres a line. Maybe it can work, maybe it can’t, but ‘when in Rome’. Switzerland are having their issues right now but they aren’t afraid to say no. Topical news over here is that a mosque was refused permission to erect minarets in Zurich, the Zurich planners said it wouldn’t fit in so no. Not only did they say no, they discussed in parliament whether to outlaw minarets across Switzerland. It’s a powerful message they are sending;, come in, settle if you want but fit in, be ‘people like us’. Does it work? The office I am working in is a mix of get this, “38 nationalities, ethnicities, disabilities and sexual orientations” and it feels like one cohesive organisation, one culture if you will, and I like that. We’ve seen apartheid already I can’t understand why there’s people ready to get upset that I think it’s a bad thing in the UK.

Parasites? My preferred phrase for politicians, I think they are self serving, lying parasites and the UK needs a constitution to protect the public from them.

Scum/white trash/neds/rat boys pick the phrase you like, I think it’s wholly appropriate for the sort of waster you’ll find around any city and more and more towns in the UK on any given evening, drinking, shouting abuse and stealing my car on Christmas morning. “Socio-economically disadvantaged youths” is too big a mouthful for me.

I only respond to the ego stroking comments - well duh-uh, did you miss the whole transvestite blog part of this?, I'm a tranny, I need my ego-stroked more than I need food.

So comment if you like, disagree if you want (it is allowed you know) just keep it clean.

So enough of that rubbish, I’ve got a rooftop apartment in Zurich and I’m moving in this weekend, so no more trains to Zurich – yayyyy.

-----------------------
Homines quod volunt credunt
Men believe what they want to.

Well that was a surprise

2006-10-22T13:49:00.000Z

bit shocked to see savaging on t'internet relating to a small section of the last post, no matter; I can't be made to conform to how other people think I should dress, neither can I be made to conform to how other people think I should think. I'll not engage in any debate, it's just not important enough to me. Not even to correct the out of context quotes or misreadings.

Was just wondering last night as I was admiring my new top from Next (via ebay), why is shiny feminine? I was listing the boy clothing I've ever owned that was shiny, shoes, yeah of course thats allowed
bike jacket, a bit shiny,
silk shirt, very slightly shiny but always made me look a bit effeminate
The lapels of my dinner jacket.

Thats is, shiny isn't allowed on boy clothes, why not? why should shiny be intrinsically feminine? I've got dresses, blouses, tops, underwear, coats, nightwear all with a sheen to them.

It's tied up to a whole, 'why do I want to do this thing' just now. I was looking at this girl on the train the other day, she was very young, I had her pegged for 'first day at work' she had on the gorgeous heeled pixxie boots, really beautiful, I knew her feet were going to be killing her by the end of the day but i would sooo happily have swapped with her, why? what am I getting out of this, this morning I was lying there in a chemise trying to work out how I was feeling. I wasn't aroused, wasn't feeling any Zen like calm but I new that given the choice of my more normal nightwear of a t-shirt I preferred the chemise, why why why?

----------
Sancta simplicitas
O holy ignorance

Brandishing her breasts she walked into the room.

2006-10-20T22:20:00.000Z

It's been a bit of a week, I over reached myself last week with the killer commute by trying to keep normal hours. Combination of not enough sleep and not eating properly means Gillians been exhausted and poorly. Fortunately I wised up and started going to bed early even tho it means I get one hour of me time a day, crap life, roll on my own flat.

Had a few chats about people about why I left the UK, comments have been made about leaving the country instead of staying and trying to make it better. I understand the point but I've done my letters to the council, my MP, the sodding EU, nothing changes, it's not meant to, we're meant to just shut up and keep paying the parasites. I do beleive the UK is now irrevocably ruined, a growing underclass of well lets call them scum are steadily eroding society, knowing everything about rights and nothing about responsibility their sad lifes spent in trying to feel they mean something, even if thats just hanging round a street corner shouting abuse at strangers.

Added that the disaster of multuculturalism means the UK has no direction, it's just a mishmash of cultures now, inter cultural and racial violence will increase, already we have no go areas for whites in council estates up north, we have claimed 'Muslim areas' down south, it makes me very sad, given an identity the UK could be a wonderful place and acheive much.

A really strange thing to me is that I have a friend who said all this about 10 years ago and I always railed aagainst him that 'anywhere is just what you make it', now I have come to believe the same as him, infact I'm now living with him while I look for a flat.

Summary of the week, I continue to be impressed by the transport system, my commutes 2 1/2 hrs each way - ouch! bus, train, train and I arrive at the right time to the minute, same on the way back, they get it right all day everyday. Saw a rooftop flat in Zurich that is a bit cool but 4th floor and no elevator is delaying my decision. Also put in to look at a rooftop flat on the shores of lake Zurich (the gold coast dahling, not the cold coast), more than I planned on spending but a nice place and location. actually might drive there today for a look. Also got a snifter of a manged apartment in Zurich I can get in a week, sort of a cross between a hotel and an apartment, can rent by the month, might be a good idea to get a life while I look.

Work still not acheived a damn thing, all my time spent reading stuff or chasing access to this system or clearance to this system, never worked in such a big company before but I'm assured this is normal. I was surfing the HR website and was quite impressed that they had an lgbT policy, shall I go to work dressed???

Damn little trannying, tho I did get dressed last night, why do we want to do this? I was standing in front of the mirror thinking 'why do I prefer to look in the mirror and see this looking back', it's just confusing, fun but confusing.

Missing everyone, missing night out, love to you all.

---------------
Futue te et ipsum caballum
F*** you and the horse you rode in on.

New country new start

2006-10-08T10:28:00.000Z

OK last night was a blip, the first post wasn't meant to be like that. So consider this the first post. Well here I am, material ties to the UK severed, apart from a coupla mill in a few bank accounts (I wish) flat gone, cars gone, some stuff in storage. Flew in yesterday with a suitcase, a briefcase and a laptop. First thing I saw as I walked out at Geneva was a beautiful woman in an awesome cocktail dress waiting for someone from the plane.

Arrived at my friends amazing house and went for a beer in town, the girls are stunning, the contrast with where I was in the UK is crazy, UK:tatoos and ill fitting sports wear, CH:chiseled features and elegant casual wear. Even the girls smoking looked elegant.

Today I'm sitting here with a view of the alps (ok I would if I went upstairs) surfing for apartments. Why did I leave?

To put some space between my ex and her latest husband..
I don't want to live in Britainistan.
I'm fed up getting taxed out of existance.
I'm fed up of overcrowded late trains.
I want healthcare when I need it
I want to live where theres low crime and a pride in your surroundings
I don't want to live in the corrupt and undemocratic EU.
I want to live where the nice people are.

Let me expand on the last point, I went home to my home town in Scotland, what struck me was the hollow vacant stares of the people in their football shirts and baseball caps, always hovering on the edge of violence, the women in their late 50's straining the seams of their cheap sports trousers and dropping fag ash over the latest addition to their brood, the fat bald men with tatoos and shaven heads swaggering down the street, the boarded up shopfronts and the prevalence of 'poundstretcher' type shops

But I'll miss the friends I've made over the last couple of years and I'll miss going out in girls clothes.

----------------
Nil illegitimus carborundum
Don't let the bastards get you down.

How stupid can you be?

2006-10-07T18:09:00.000Z

So just got to my mates in switzerland, turned on the pc, check some email and some arse has forwarded me an email from the ex about them finding their dream home and how excited they are about moving in and please drop round for mulled wine.

FFS I came over here to try and get over this crap and the first thing I get is her sodding address and phone number which yes I may post on a swingers forum.

Oh well, as long as I've got my sense of humour.

been a while

2006-09-30T21:12:00.000Z

Not very happy today, for the last three days I've been shipping out the flat, too many memories being unpacked as so much stuff is packed, too much time thinking about the ex and her latest husband. I didn't desrve this, left alone, hung out to dry, forced to flee the country to try and find some peace.

Yesterday was my birthday; the day sucked, the carpet cleaning guy arrived a bit early, 6.30 am to be precise and I spent a sleep deprived day packing. The night was better tho, went into london with great mate Karen for ballet and food, then ended up at a private members club for end of evening cocktails. I adore Karen, have done since I first met her, always wanted to make a move but never did, then we were friends and never seemed able to cross that line from friend to lover. I decided 'sod it', I'm leaving the country, I need her to know how I feel about her, I couldn't work out how to do it so this morning as we hgged good by, I just held it a bit longer and looked her in the eyes. 'Why did we never hook up?' 'we're friends' she said. and thats that. I'd have hated myself if I'd never tried tho.

I want to meet someone special, someone that makes me want to be special with them. Ignore me, just a late night tired tranny blogger who's feeling a bit glum. Last blog post from this flat, gnight all.

The worst bit

2006-09-24T17:32:00.000Z

Well that was a giggle and a half last night, met some wonderful chums at Angelic in Milton Keynes to wave a teary fare-ye-well before I head off to foreign climes. A top collection of girls turned up and a great night was had, well not by April who spent the evening throwing up in the toilets. Oh the smell of smoke tho, thats hypocritical of me tho because I cadged a couple of the nasty things too, roll on the smoking ban, angelic is going to be much much nicer. I had some lovely comments from people and a lot of compliments about my skin after my 3 laser sessions.

So we headed back around 4 am and then the worst part of the night - de-princessing, it feels so horrible to sit in front of the mirror and like what you see, then reach for the wig and take it off, - cue big sigh. Second worst part for me is taking the nails off, If I was a real girl I'd just leave them on all week, but thats not allowed cos I'm a bloke. See I am out enough that I could keep them on, and I'm confident enough to do it, but what I want is not to put up with peoples opinions on me, a bloke, with pink nails, but for them not to have an opinion. I like looking down at my hands just now, but come tomorrow they'll just be hands, oh well at least they are pretty just now.

Thanks everyone who came along last night

---------------
Duco ergo sum
I calculate therefore i am

Irony

2006-09-17T19:04:00.000Z

Way too knackered to say much today, ran a half marathon today, did a heckuva lot better than I had a right to expect but damn I am bushed.

anyway on the way back I was reading a paper that had an article on the pope daring to quote history.

"Muslims bomb churches in protest at pope linking Islam with violence", so not much of a sense of humour and no concept of irony.

god bless you dancing Matt

2006-09-11T18:22:00.000Z

A Long Long Long time ago I blogged about this guy I'd heard of called Matt who quit his job to dance around the world, well he's been at it again, and his new video just made me smile and smile, Matt you still can't dance but I think you are fab

http://www.wherethehellismatt.com/index.html

Women don't behave like that!!!!!

2006-09-10T16:04:00.000Z

(you moron) is what I wanted to say. I think I'm a bit of a tranazi, I've got a narrowly defined view of what a tranny should be like and I'm not inclined to cut people some slack when they don't fit into my world view. The latest tranny offence to cause me dismay is 'accidental' flashing. 'Oh oops is my slip showing? what a silly girl I am' 'Gosh did you see my black silk lace lined pants, I'm so embarassed' - **** off you moron!!!!, have you ever seen an RG behave like that? I have a theory that any tranny posting pics like that will look like a dogs dinner and be just as sexy.

While I'm ranting, trannies with adjectives in their names; as soon as you see any name with an adjective in it like tina_longlegs, sexy_sam, gorgeous_gayle etc etc. I guarantee they'll look ridiculous or they don't even post a piccie and if thats not true I'll eat my wig.

Fantasists!! oh hang on did that one already.

Walking badly in heels - come on girls just practise or don't wear them.

Smelly trannies, girls in general are fastidious about personal hygiene, getting to wear perfume is not an excuse to stop brushing.

-----------
Cave canem
Beware of the dog (or more likely a whole pack of dogs)

Cream crackered

2006-09-03T20:17:00.000Z

What a fab weekend, spent all day Sat queueing around the Red Bull Air Race at LongLeat before it was called off due to high winds - meh! Today was a bit better, I did a triathlon I hadn't been able to train properly for and I did not too bad at all, way better than I had a right to expect given my poor decrepit body's state of repair just now. On top of that the girl I went with to the tri (beat her by 20 mins if anyones interested) gave me a skirt before she headed off and I LOVE it!!! I totally love it, I think I might wear it next angelic.

I'm actually wearing the skirt now which is discomfiting I seem to be doing this of late, just putting on something and not going the whole way with the makeup, wonder what it means. I used to look down my foundationed nose at trannies who didn't make the effort, now I'm just slipping on a skirt not for some illicit thrill but just because I feel like wearing a skirt. hmmm

---------------------
Requiescat in pace
Rest in peace.

Outed myself again

2006-09-02T19:11:00.000Z

Two of my fav things, outing myself and acceptance.

Had a girlfriend over last week (girl-friend, not girlfriend - sigh). We went for a great meal, shared some wine, and then she decided she was going to have more wine and could she stay over. 'Course you can' I said 'but theres a conversation we need to have first'. She looked shocked,
'See I'm a transvestite so my bedrooms full of girls clothes'
'Wow!, I mean wow! I don't even know where to start, cool'
So we discussed it for a bit, showed her the pics, she would never ever have guessed. Finished off a great night and headed home, where she could now see my bedroom, 'oh wow' and she launched herself into my clothes, 'must try this on, must try this on, hate that' and she did, so she ends up swanning around in a ballgown of mine (the ruby floaty one) way too big for her but she loved wearing it. Now she really really really wants to go out with me as Gillian and wants to come round and borrow something to wear out - wierdo!.

It's a nice big hug.

Stronger?

2006-08-26T23:21:00.000Z

In my particular idiom (copyright S. Curran) I like to drink a little bit and think about stuff. I've just read something April wrote and it triggered a thought in me; She wrote about falling asleep next to the pool at The Big Chill, we both did and April fell asleep with her head in my lap, the reason for the Big Thinking was that as a nipper I was quite homophobic, along with racist and sexist, I make no appologies, we are all products of our environment and had I not escaped an insular steel town I would probably still be. So to lie there with a mans (ok she looks fantastic but we know the way the chromosomes lie, ya know what I'm saying here?) head in my lap without feeling threatened by it was something of note to me.

That in turn brought back a memory of the night of Jenny Jacksons most excellent party. I was unfortunatlely being a boy having two parties to attend that night, at the muggles party the delightfully gay next door neighbour came wandering out gloriously drunk and collapsed next to where I sat on the lawn. According to the hostess he loves to freak out her guests by coming onto them, perhaps as part of this he positioned himself to put his head in my lap (maybe I just have a lap that attracts XY). It was a nothing to me, I didn't mind and just carried on chatting, stroking his hair a little as his inebriation robbed him of consciousness. The point is that it in no way affected my view of myself as male and straight. I don't have to prove it, I don't care if someone saw it and assumed I was gay (unless it was the cutie in the red and gray shiftdress who I totally failed to get off with, whooaaa two and two are coming together now, damn you gay next door neighbour)

So anyway I reckon I'm stronger through trannying, or coming out, or 'being me' (see later blog entry for an explanation of the quotes.)

----------------------
Confacimus navegemus
Fuck it -- let's go sailing.

Aye aye Cap'n

2006-08-21T18:04:00.000Z

I've felt a bit left out when people were blogging about Dr Who due to the fact I never watched it, well I've just watched series one and I LOVE captain Jack, I don't just like him I love him and I want to have his babies.

My Fav Jack-isms
'The pleasures all mine ladies - which is all that counts'

[brandishing two guns]'Do I look like an out of bounds sorta guy?'

'If you hear fighting [pause] hear us dying'

Come back Jack, I'm picking my dress already.

Sometimes

2006-08-19T20:56:00.000Z

Echos of the sometimes group just now in my tranny life. I cant be bothered! I was wondering if I was becoming an ex tranny, if thats possible. I've come to the conclusion tho that I'm just being a lazy tranny, my current hiatus is part of this. Heres the deal, I sit at work working on womens clothes sites and I think, oh I can't wait to get home, I'm going to practice some makeup, maybe put on a dress and just chill. Thats never how it works, I get home and think 'nah can't be bothered'. See what I want every night is to come home to find, Trinny, Susannah and Jodie there, they get me ready then a limo takes me out for a night out.

I sooo could not be TS, I'd be crap at it. Haven't been out for 2 weeks now, heck that just made me laugh, I remember when once a month was what I aspired to. I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately (look out for a miserable ex-inspired blog entry soon) I've been pretty bloody lucky, theres a lot of things I used to dream or fantasise about and I've done loads of them and now I'm at the stage where I dont need to grab any opportunity to get out in a dress, I've got a lot to be thankful for, I need to remember that more.

-----------------------
Quando omni flunkus moritatus
When all else fails play dead.

What a difference a decade makes

2006-08-13T13:56:00.000Z

Not got anything to blog about, except some laser I had yesterday on the beard - ouch!!!!

but a friend sent me this vid and I was amazed, there is something wrong with Bush junior

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw4Bhmm22xo

Thats all folks

Just chillin

2006-08-07T19:06:00.000Z

Had an unusual weekend, went to The Big Chill with the Lost Vagueness crew and April. I was actually in my self imposed tranny exile but I had already agreed to come along to this do when I decide to take some time off. Twas an interesting time, arrived about 8 ish on Friday night and barely had time to get the tent up before the light went, so theres two trannies in a field in the dark doing makeup by torchlight, a challenge indeed. I think I did ok, then off to the festival for drinkies and dancing. Great place, I think we were the only trannies amongst thousands of people and of course we thrived on the attention but ugh, 4.30 finish, back to the campsite in the daylight, zzzzz

Saturday wander round in boy mode then change for the evening. I loved how cool the festival goers were, most hadn't met a tranny before but it was such a non event to them, whenever I got chatting to anyone I introduced myself as Gillian and that was it, I was Gillian, no judgement, no surprise, nothing. Except perhaps from Silver, I was shocked at the amount of kids there, and silver was one of them, she was actually a pretty cool little girl
'Why are you dressed as a girl?'
'Because it's fun'
'Is that a mask or a lot of make-up'
'how old are you babes?'
'Eleven'
'Eleven? really? how did you ever make it that far?'

actually she was quite cool, just interested and perhaps a bit too honest for my fragile tranny ego. talking of kids there was another kid related story that really tickled me. Walking to the festival I passed a family, two families maybe, but there were two little boys at the back, both in flouncy net skirts with angels wings on their backs, I thought it was brilliant, those kids thought nothing of being a bit girly, I think that bodes well for a future where you can be who you are without fear.

I also had some opinions challenged, I'd never really spent time amongst the festival goers before, but hanging about backstage they really impressed me, fun, playful, hardworking and strict when needed. The aforementioned Silver got a bit boisterous with a guy in an amazing outfit and landed a smack on him, one of the organisers took her aside and kindly but firmly gave her a good talking to about respect for others. I have to say I was very impressed, these alternative people were showing a damn site more attention to discipline than any number of muggle families with brats that you see down the supermarket.

Sunday was pretty special too. Got up as early as we could and got girled up straight away, just a daytime look, denim mini and strappy top, Oh wow how I've wanted to see what it's like to wear that sort of outfit on a summers day, and it were great!! not only fun to be daytime trannying amongst the hoardes but it's soooo much cooler than guy stuff. As an additional bonus I went a bit light on the suncream to make sure I got female tan lines, I just felt like doing something I couldn't hide. A good weekend.

Oh yeah and there was a documentary being made, I'm not in it as such, but I saw the camera on me a couple of times backstage, so who knows :).

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crapulam terriblem habeo
i have a terrible hangover.

before we knew it he was in bed with the vicar

2006-07-28T23:15:00.000Z

Two posts one night; the power of cider.

Feeling a bit odd tonight, ever feel that this whole wearing womens clothes thing has some sort of meaning? Not sure I can explain this, but a lot of the time I feel like theres some significance to this that I just can't nail down, like when you forget a word and it's dancing across your subconscious but you can't grasp it. I often feel that way looking at my pics and friends pics, it's like there this hidden meaning there that I'm just not clever enough to work out. It's like the sometimes group, I can't help feeling when I look at the pictures theres something bigger there than a bunch of blokes with their shirts off but I can't fathom it.

I am a very spiritual person, I believe in being the best I can be, challenging myself, finding out who I am, no I'm explaining that badly, lets explain by example. A few years ago I organised a trip to a bungee jump, for me it was a test, no one can ever know if they would do that until you are standing 200 feet above the ground leaning into thin air, can I swallow the fear and let go or will I back down - I had to know. I'm reading a diving book just now 'Shadow Divers' theres a chapter on the bio of one of the divers, he went to vietnam as a medic, he volunteered to go on patrol (this in itself was exceptional) the old hands were dismissive of the newbie, didn't even know his name. On patrol one of the old hands was cut down by gunfire and left alive in a clearing, the viet-cong wouldn't kill him, they want someone to try to save him so they can get two kills. To quote the newbie

'This is when I find out who I am'

he went out, treated the soldier and dragged him back to safety; stirring stuff, thats what life is to me, I need to find out if I am someone I can be proud of, I can't help but feel the tranny thing is a step along this path. I have a fantasy; I want to be faced with a choice between the death of my principles and the death of my body, then I'll find out 'who I am' of course ideally I'd make the right choice and then something amazing happens and I get to live but you get the idea.

I'd like to stand on a bridge in a frilly shirt sword in hand defending a condemned woman and swearing to kill the first man to lay a hand upon her. I want to be the second man to say "I'm Spartacus", I want to do a 'far far better thing'. Sometimes I think I was born too late, my heros and heroines belong to another age, Shackleton, Bader, Bigglesworth, Johnny Johnson, Violet Szabo, Richard Burton (no not that one), Wilfred Thesiger

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The life that I have is all that I have,
And the life that I have is yours.

The love that I have of the life that I have,
Is yours and yours and yours.

The sleep I shall have, a rest I shall have,
Yet death will be but a pause.

For the peace of my years in the long green grass,
Will be yours and yours and yours.
- Leo Marx

and then Tarquin threw up over the nun

2006-07-28T22:54:00.000Z

So then, too little time, so much online life needed. I'm struggling a bit just now, just seem to be tired all the time, this is not like me, I don't do ill. Just got back from a night with great mate Linds, Linds is way cool about the whole tranny thing and I felt like blogging about guess what? RG acceptance!! my fav subject.

So last week my friend karen texted me 'wanna do something?' after getting over my 'but but I'm a tranny' reaction I headed up, just before we went out for dinner she said 'want to see my shopping?' duh! 'does the pope sh*t in the woods?' 'is the bear catholic?' Karen is one way classy dresser, I know, I've got a lot of her clothes :>) anyway she pulled out a new skirt that I loved 'want me to get you one? I'm back there tomorrow' she said. 'What size is that one?' I asked, 'try it on' she said throwing said skirt of lushness to me. How cool is that? 30 secs later I'm in her loo wearing her clothes. Fitted me nicely so I said I'd have one, then we went to dinner.

Tonight Linds came round, I sooo knew she was going to be wearing a short skirt just to pee me off she just about said as much, she actually wondered if she was going out with Gillian tonight - damn girl, wish you'd said!! had a great night, then she borrowed a skirt and headed off.

Why is it so amazing to me that RGs are ok with this whole womens clothes thing? Everytime it happens it's like a big hug to me.

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Veni vidi duci
I came, i saw, i calculated

Don't mess with us OK!

2006-07-22T12:25:00.000Z

Today my ex gets married to the guy she left me for, by a mammoth coincidnce I saw her today, first time in months, she drove by the end of my road as I was pulling out, she didn't see me, she doesn't know what I drove these days and I looked away but there she was with the pooch in the back.

Anyway I'm now sitting back in my flat, in addition to the rain dance and prayers I had my car washed (well every little helps).

I'm now watching the weather pissing down, it really is chucking it down, the sisterhood rule!!

And what could be more fitting for todays latin lesson?

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Potestatem obscuri lateris nescis
You don't know the power of the dark side.