Horror, carnage and bliss

That's a pretty good description of the last two weeks. A year on from my last visit I've been back to the amazon to drink ayahuasca again. The rationale was that first time round I was dealing with things I had to deal with, now I was dealing with stuff I wanted to deal with.

Horror was the first ceremony. I had a pretty hard time of it, vicious nausea and physical pain that threatened never to end. All the while the ayahuasca is teaching while it tortures. I saw myself floating in space viewing the earth; as I watched, time sped up and the seasons passed. A voice, not my own, is talking to me about the nature of change using the changing of the seasons by way of an illustration. I give up my fear of change in an uncomfortable vomit. It feels like the ayahuasca is smacking hell out of me as it punches home points 'stop doing this, - smack 'do this better' - smack 'don't worry about that, you weren't at fault' smack. Images rush at me too fast to register and it becomes too much and I have to cry out for help. One of the helpers comes over and cradles my head as she pours cold water over me catching it as it runs down me and scooping it over me again, it's heaven.

Coming back to my body, the room forms around me. The guy next to me is having a really hard time, he's vomiting every couple of minutes, I know he has been in Iraq, I think there's a lot of darkness being cleansed, 'make it stop, please stop' he repeats. In front of me a girl is screaming her litany of drug abuse into her bucket. The shaman isn't particularly sympathetic, he knows this is part of the process, he's seen what drugs are like as they leave. Peyote in particular is hurting her, it's a visionary plant that can teach but 'Mr Peyote doesn't like being used as a drug' he says before offering to make a deal with the spirit of Peyote for her.

Carnage is the second ceremony, fortunately not for me but around me the ceremonial house is a madhouse; one man is being tormented by the devil and is tearing at his clothes and screaming for mercy, he ends up naked and soiling himself, another girl is screaming at some unknown memories from her past she is throwing herself about and has to be restrained, the helpers and shamans are at full stretch, the shaman is performing an exorcism and it sounds creepy as all hell. As for me I'm in a little protective bubble aware of the carnage but not part of it. I've been taken to a place of brightness and light, white light falls on me like a cooling shower. I see worlds of shapes in bright hues. Huge cubes of multi-coloured lights spin slowly in space, as they align to present to me a square they fire bolts of energy at me that comfort me.

I'm shown the universe as a pyramid, where each level is a plane of existence (yeah I know what I sound like, it's painful to me too). The bottom level is what I think of as 'life' but where I am right now is far above that. In this place there is no concept of suffering, I try to think of some of the reasons that brought me back to Peru and I laugh at the irrelevance of them, they simply can't exist in this place. This isn't dealing with issues, this is realising that there are no issues to deal with. I wonder at the patience of the shamans listening to us talking about all our crap, they must be thinking 'you'll see'. Trying to grasp concepts such as betrayal in this place is like explaining colour to someone born blind.

Slowly and with much regret I drift back to my body, gratitude and love fills me, for what I experienced and for not being in the carnage. I'm back sitting in my chair in the ceremony house feeling wonderful and at peace, the carnage is winding down, some people had really rough nights, I offer what comfort I can and smoke a mapacho as an offering of thanks to the spirits who took me on the journey. I never want this night to end. The girl next to me has had a wonderful ceremony too and we sit and hold hands enjoying the connection with each other.

Next, the wierdness begins