Funny what sets you off
Been a while since I've done a glum one and I've been having a lot of fun lately so time to redress the balance. Anyway I initially did this blog to deal with the ex thing
I was making breakkie this morning and finished the honey and that nearly made me cry. Back when I was married our gorgeous brown lab would always watch optimistically as I finished the honey because she knew she would get to lick the jar and what a cleaning job she'd do on it. So this morning I finished the jar and automatically looked for her, then it all comes crashing down, she's gone, that life you had has gone, some teletubby lookalike is feeding her honey these days. Sheesh, it's been 18 months now, I'm getting so bored of this. I miss the pooch, I miss the ex, I miss her smile, her laugh, the way her eyes used to light up when she saw me. It's perverse that all I can do is focus on how great she was and how often my husband grade was 'could do better' almost like part of me needs to feel guilty. In my minds eye she was this wonderful wife and I was this poor excuse for a husband.
The logical part of my mind reasons that it we must both have been good and bad in probably equal measures but emotionally I feel it was all my fault the marriage didn't work.
Oh to go back and be a better husband, but maybe that wouldn't have been enough for her.
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Errare humanum est
To err is human
I was making breakkie this morning and finished the honey and that nearly made me cry. Back when I was married our gorgeous brown lab would always watch optimistically as I finished the honey because she knew she would get to lick the jar and what a cleaning job she'd do on it. So this morning I finished the jar and automatically looked for her, then it all comes crashing down, she's gone, that life you had has gone, some teletubby lookalike is feeding her honey these days. Sheesh, it's been 18 months now, I'm getting so bored of this. I miss the pooch, I miss the ex, I miss her smile, her laugh, the way her eyes used to light up when she saw me. It's perverse that all I can do is focus on how great she was and how often my husband grade was 'could do better' almost like part of me needs to feel guilty. In my minds eye she was this wonderful wife and I was this poor excuse for a husband.
The logical part of my mind reasons that it we must both have been good and bad in probably equal measures but emotionally I feel it was all my fault the marriage didn't work.
Oh to go back and be a better husband, but maybe that wouldn't have been enough for her.
-------------------------
Errare humanum est
To err is human
posted by Gillian at 11:21 AM
2 Comments:
In my opinion, the thoughts you are having are quite normal. You have the rational side that realizes it couldn't have been all your fault, then you have the emotional side that still feels guilt and a sense of "if I had done this or that differently". I don't know why things go right or wrong in life (especially relationships) - and God knows I'm in no position to give advice. Just know that you have friends (old and new) who will listen and be here any way we can.
We can spend our whole lives thinking what if?
What if I had told a girl I was in love with I had feelings for her?
What if I had started dressing at a younger age?
What if I had started my career path earlier?
Yes it can be hard to wonder what if in the past, but you need to look at the future. You seem to been having a great time out recently (I am so jealous) so don't get down and enjoy what you are doing.
And if need be get a dog.
Connie xx
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