Ayahuasca Epilogue

Remember how the 'Streets of San Francisco' on TV always had an epilogue?. Two weeks on, I'm missing the camp dreadfully. This was far and away the strangest and most amazing experience I have ever had. I know how it sounds, it seems mad to me and I was there, friends nod and smile when I tell them about it 'and then I turned into a hawk!' usually gets them. Before I went I thought about my ex about 12 times a day (yeah I counted!). Now it's about once every 3 days and it doesn't hurt any more, the revelation on the first ceremony that 'I don't need you in my life' holds true, I don't need to think about her, or wonder what she's doing, or if she ever thinks of me or cry over her or surf for her. I wouldn't even freak to meet her and her husband.

Intially I tried to rationalise everything into terms I was more comfortable with, perhaps 'dark spirits' were just the negative thoughts your subconscious throws at you. What if dealing with a spirit in a vision was just teaching your brain a new way to think, what if the visions are just the metaphors you use in dreams, then I thought 'Why bother?' so I just talk about spirits like the shamans did.

When I thought about Julia before she was in the front of my head, it felt like she burned just behind my forehead, now when I think of her, it's at the back of my head, where the memories live. I'm at peace and I'm ready to love again so bring it on. I'm clear of what and who I am, Gillian is just a part of the boy, I used to see boy me and girl me as two separate beings but now I'm just one person mostly boy, ocassionally girl.

I lost weight while I was there, I'm lighter than I've been in years and it's stayed stable for two weeks, I've even got a waist! The ayahuasca stays with us according to the shamans, we can still ask it's help, which I do. I'm still in touch with all the people who took part in the ceremonies, they were a great bunch, every space cadet, tree hugging last one of them.

Whats more I feel happy. I was able to look myself straight in the subconscious and say 'I love me'. I've been trying to come up with ways to explain it to people, one was that you can't lie to yourself with it, imagine being able to talk to your sub-conscious without any layers of ego justifying your actions. Imagine too that you were shown how to do something say being happy, so you were able to say 'Oh THATS what it feels like, ahh now I know how to do it'

This was the best thing I've ever done and I commend it to the house.

Normal service about me wearing girls clothes resumed now, but if you want to read someone elses experience then have a look at this, this is the article that made me decide to go, read about it in National Geographic.