Not dead

Meh

that sums it up really!, it's been ages since I blogged. I fear the will to blog has left me, much like the will to get the slap on and wear girls clothes, the will has, not the want. I'm still as likely as ever to be sulking at weddings 'it's not fair (stamps foot) I want to be the bridesmaid.' but I just can't be bothered with the effort.

It seems I'm not alone, the tranny blogosphere is shrinking, we're talking about it little and doing it less. I'm pretty sure my tardy transvestism is due to living over here, I flatter myself that were I still in the UK I'd be out loads.

However theres no end to the famine in sight, so rather than leave a dangling last post, I'll just sign off for the moment with a cheery wave, maybe if I ever get the blogging bug again I'll be back but for now adieu. Which isn't to say I'm going closetwards, I imagine I'll still be posting on flickr a bit but I'm just not driven to blog these days.

Tara for now.

Gillian x

Hurrah!!!!

Yayy America.

I've been rooting for Obama and wow, it happened. I really thought something was going to screw it up, the dog whistle racism of the republicans was going to find sympathetic ears, enough people would start believing the nonsense about Ayers, just something was going to happen to mess up this.

I think the world needs this man, I saw polls outside the USA saying Obama was the choice for 85%, did you see the celebrations across the world, did you see the video of 106yr old Anne Nixon Cooper being interviewed? , can you feel the freshness in the air?

The lack of triumphalism on the evening of his victory speaks volumes about the calibre of the man, I really think that the most rare of creatures - a good politician - is going to sit in the white house.

What the hell happened to Biden though? he was faceless, I saw his v clever VP debate where I thought he managed not to make Palin look stupid which must have been very hard for him given she is and he is really not. After that he just seemed to shrink into the crowd. Anyway good luck to him, I cried my way thorough Obamas victory speech, can you imagine crying at one of Bush's speeches?.

Now the big decision tho, would I rather look like Michelle Obama, or Sarah Palin, hmm I'm leaning towards Palins label-ladden look at the moment but Michelle has pulled some corkers with high street fashion.

Yayy Obama.

Horror, carnage and bliss

That's a pretty good description of the last two weeks. A year on from my last visit I've been back to the amazon to drink ayahuasca again. The rationale was that first time round I was dealing with things I had to deal with, now I was dealing with stuff I wanted to deal with.

Horror was the first ceremony. I had a pretty hard time of it, vicious nausea and physical pain that threatened never to end. All the while the ayahuasca is teaching while it tortures. I saw myself floating in space viewing the earth; as I watched, time sped up and the seasons passed. A voice, not my own, is talking to me about the nature of change using the changing of the seasons by way of an illustration. I give up my fear of change in an uncomfortable vomit. It feels like the ayahuasca is smacking hell out of me as it punches home points 'stop doing this, - smack 'do this better' - smack 'don't worry about that, you weren't at fault' smack. Images rush at me too fast to register and it becomes too much and I have to cry out for help. One of the helpers comes over and cradles my head as she pours cold water over me catching it as it runs down me and scooping it over me again, it's heaven.

Coming back to my body, the room forms around me. The guy next to me is having a really hard time, he's vomiting every couple of minutes, I know he has been in Iraq, I think there's a lot of darkness being cleansed, 'make it stop, please stop' he repeats. In front of me a girl is screaming her litany of drug abuse into her bucket. The shaman isn't particularly sympathetic, he knows this is part of the process, he's seen what drugs are like as they leave. Peyote in particular is hurting her, it's a visionary plant that can teach but 'Mr Peyote doesn't like being used as a drug' he says before offering to make a deal with the spirit of Peyote for her.

Carnage is the second ceremony, fortunately not for me but around me the ceremonial house is a madhouse; one man is being tormented by the devil and is tearing at his clothes and screaming for mercy, he ends up naked and soiling himself, another girl is screaming at some unknown memories from her past she is throwing herself about and has to be restrained, the helpers and shamans are at full stretch, the shaman is performing an exorcism and it sounds creepy as all hell. As for me I'm in a little protective bubble aware of the carnage but not part of it. I've been taken to a place of brightness and light, white light falls on me like a cooling shower. I see worlds of shapes in bright hues. Huge cubes of multi-coloured lights spin slowly in space, as they align to present to me a square they fire bolts of energy at me that comfort me.

I'm shown the universe as a pyramid, where each level is a plane of existence (yeah I know what I sound like, it's painful to me too). The bottom level is what I think of as 'life' but where I am right now is far above that. In this place there is no concept of suffering, I try to think of some of the reasons that brought me back to Peru and I laugh at the irrelevance of them, they simply can't exist in this place. This isn't dealing with issues, this is realising that there are no issues to deal with. I wonder at the patience of the shamans listening to us talking about all our crap, they must be thinking 'you'll see'. Trying to grasp concepts such as betrayal in this place is like explaining colour to someone born blind.

Slowly and with much regret I drift back to my body, gratitude and love fills me, for what I experienced and for not being in the carnage. I'm back sitting in my chair in the ceremony house feeling wonderful and at peace, the carnage is winding down, some people had really rough nights, I offer what comfort I can and smoke a mapacho as an offering of thanks to the spirits who took me on the journey. I never want this night to end. The girl next to me has had a wonderful ceremony too and we sit and hold hands enjoying the connection with each other.

Next, the wierdness begins

Time for a break

I've been awful quiet of late, just too busy in life, some work, some fun, some not so. However now it's time for a little adventure, travelling v light this time, not even an LBD. I'll just leave for the moment with a fervent hope, please America do't do it, don't let Palin anywhere near the white house, the world needs Obama.

Ennui

—Synonyms listlessness, tedium, lassitude, languor.

Thats me that is with regard to trannying and blogging. I was mulling over it this week, I don't want to wear girls clothes any less, if anything more; summer desses and skirts and cute blouses are driving me mad at work. Honestly it's like theres a cute blouse club at work, one particular girl, cute blouses and skirts every day, drives me mad. Then at work I resolve to go home that night and perorm the magic of transformation but I dont, I want to but not enough to overcome the lethargy. It's like my effort reward ratio isnt high enough. See how I think it works is this; when I was just getting out and about then a night in a skirt was a big deal, huge buzz awesome fun, well well worth the effort and expense. Now that I've been out more times than I can count (I loved when I realised I had stopped counting) the buzz is so much less, it almost feels normal and it's to much effort to transform to feel normal.

The other night I got glammed up because I had bought this adorable bloue and wanted to try it on properly, so I did. 90 mins to get ready, 10 mins swanning around in said new blouse and deprincessed, not at all like me. Not even a photo and didnt even try on any more outfits.

It's so frustrating though I havent stopped wanting to look like every girl I see on the street or every (female) film star I see on tv but I'm just not triggering the 'do it' level.

Also mucho disappointed about the rubber ball, I was going to be going there with first 3 friends, then 2, no none :( I sooo am going to go there one year.

Hope you are all well. x

Love life's looking up tho, there was this night, it was me and this girl in a big inflatable boat in my living room, and well..., a story for another day perhaps. :>)

He wears girls clothes but he does that?

Lets get off my high (heeled) horse about China for a bit, I had some friends over recently which coincided with the day of the Zurich triathlon that I was doing, top fun, mile swim in the lake, 26 mile cycle , 6 mile run. The friends visiting were a couple, the girl is more OK with 'us lot' than you can shake a stick at, on one occasion bullying me into a skirt because I was 'getting funny' about being Gillian in front of her. This time she came over with her bloke who isn't part of our scene but then doesn't really give a stuff about it one way or another. Anyway huge thanks to them for being my support group, was nice to have someone waiting at the finish to cheer. Where was I going with this?????? oh yeah, I was pleased to challenge the image of trannies in said blokes mind as he expressed what to me was a pleasant surprise, that me, - self confessed wearer of girls clothes - should do the manly support of triathloning.

Nice to know I can still surprise people.

More China bashing

Ok, ok, I said Iwasn't going to put any more politics, but I just watched the below video on the BBC and I am incensed, screw this olympics, the worlds gone mad and I hope they are a complete disaster. Flower beds, they are kicking their own people out of houses for flower beds.

click on the image for the video.