Ayahuasca

My hands are grasping the sides of the round well as I'm racked by wave after wave of violent heaves. Looking down the gothic stonework of the well I can see 100 feet or so before it recedes into darkness, a demon flies up from the darkness, it's nose mere inches from mine and opens it's mouth wide to accept the thick black tar-like goo I am vomiting. All the while the rhythmic chanting of the shamans surrounds me as they recite their icaros to guide the ceremony.'Out!' I'm screaming, 'All of you out'.

This was last tuesday night and I was in a jungle in Peru in a vine-roofed ceremonial house with two shamans and their apprentices. An hour before I had drank ayahuasca which is either a shamanic medicine or a powerful hallucinogenic depending on who you ask. I'd come to this place to take part in three ayahuasca ceremonies for multiple reasons, chief amongst these was to let go of my ex and to find out about my Gillian side. I can't explain what happened without sounding mad, so before you say it - I know!

As the vomiting subsided I lay back and lost some time, the next thing I knew I was a woman lying on the ground having sex, backways, frontways, allways and loving it, lost in ecstasy. To me this meant what I didn't want; that I wanted to be a girl. I remembered the words of the shaman that anything that appeared had to be challenged in case they were bad spirits so I turned round and opened my eyes seeing a vague cowboy shaped figure 'do you serve my higher self?' I demanded, when he didn't answer I commanded him to go. Four times he returned and I found myself having sex again but eventually he went. Relief flowed; I didnt want to be a girl, it was just a bad spirit forcing these thoughts on me, I'm just a transvestite after all. My travelling companion screams for help and I sit up from my vison leaving my body prone, shouting to the Shaman that she needs help, he says he has her and I go back into my body.

I try to stand and make my way through the bodies on the floor, kind hands help me through the darkness to the toilets where I collapse glad that I made it this far without soiling myself, a not at all unusual ocurrence with ayahuasca. I lose myself totally, not knowing where or who I am. I see every person who ever did me a good turn no matter how small, I understand how much a simple kindness from a stranger meant to me and realise how much I would be appreciated if I took more time to offer kindness. I thank everyone I see, then I thank my ex for all the happiness she brought to my life when we were together. The shock of saying this snaps me back to the room for a few seconds then I am gone again forgiving her for the pain of leaving me, visiting her and her husband and wishing them both well.

A friend I had wronged appears, the ayahuasca strips away all ego, the situation with my friend was laid bare and the meanness of spirit that caused it was evident without any cushioning layer of justification. I apologise to him and know I have to repeat it in the real world.

I'm really losing it now, it's getting too intense and on the edge of calling for help the shaman is next to me talking into my vision and guiding me back. Still at the toilet someone appears next to me and offers some water, I gladly accept and he pours cold water over me gently and cradles my head, it feels like heaven, such tenderness from a complete stranger. He offers me his name and I remember mine, when I feel better I thank him profusely and tell him I'm ok and he should go help someone else, he gently kisses my cheek and leaves, thank you Dani.

After a long time I manage to summon up the strength to stand and pull up my trousers. As soon as I step into the room hands hold me to guide me back to my place on the floor where I collapse feeling the effects of the ayahuasca start to fade. The icaros continue and I feel fantastic as I come out of it to the rhythmic chanting, all around people are coming back from their journeys and the energy in the room is astounding. I stay awake till the ceremony ends and the oil lamps are re-lit then sink off to a desperately deep sleep.

That was the first ceremony.

Just stepping out

It's time again for some travelling, I'm off for a couple of weeks. Interesting trip I've got planned, I'm not going to say too much about it in case it turns into a disappointment but this just could be my strangest adventure yet, see y'all in a couple of weeks, play nice now.

Gillian x

Classy, pretty and a little bit slutty

Days without, nahh short of time.

I had a not bad birthday really considering I was and still am freaking out about it all. I got some top pressies, boy and girl. The really classic pressies that you would never think of buying for yourself but are blown away by getting them. One of my RG friends bought me this


First off I was just amazed, "OMG, she's bought me lingerie" then when I mailed her how tickled I was with it, she responded with " I wanted something "Classy, pretty and a little bit slutty". Wow, first off that she would buy me lingerie, second that she would put that thought into it third that - I'm a bloke!!.

Also she said, that she thought it was so much harder to buy for me than for 'one of her other girlfriends (because she didn't want to offend me)'. Did we all get the 'one of her other girlfriends' bit???. She wasn't buying me lingerie because 'he'll' wearing it, she was buying me it because girls wear that. Tickled to pink I am.

Hello from the other side

Days without wine 148
Days without cigarettes hey come on

Whooaaaaa that's the wrong way round!!

Some interesting times of late, I had a friend over for a week to have a non-birthday, a rather significant birthday just passed and I have been freaking out royally over it. So much so that my plan was to sit at home with the blinds shut and try not to see daylight, thus pretending it wasn't happening.

It was not to be; some friends made me go and have fun. Anyway, non birthday first, Cat came over bearing rather large unwieldy gifts which were awesomely cool. A fab case to keep my wristwatch collection in and my first MAC makeup. The new MAC makeup lead to a damn near forcing me into girl mode because I had been being silly about doing the Gillian thing. So that was fun. Then I had this weekend in the uk with some rather fab friends drunking too much and dancing dangerously on top of a canal boat in between ramming the banks.

Massive overload on acceptance, everyone knew about me being a wierdo except one girl who got told about it so she knew. Boy gifts, girl gifts and a quite awesome cake featuring photos of me in boy and girl mode - thank you Jaye Adams. I was a little perturbed, Karen (dress donator extraordinairre) found photos of me just by googling for 'Gillian transvestite' thankfully Jaye gave her better ones. I guess I should stop being so protective about them, theres enough spread over t'internet.

So pressies, great food, great wine, great company and I am so looking forward to 2 weeks off the sauce because I feel like a fat Bhudda.

Did still have a bit of a freak out tho. On Sun night peeps headed off home except for Cat and I; I think that was a mistake, the effects of being 40, the fact that we went from hyper activity to just two of us meant I had a bit of a come down and got all reflective for a while, thanks to Cat for putting up with me. Probably my age but then we went round to look at the party dresses in Debenhams, so yayy. (do you know they are still selling the dress I bought for my first night out??)

More surprises when I got home, my friend Linds had posted me a pressie so there was yet more excitement, a beautiful lace trimmed chemise, I can't believe I have girlfriends who are so cool about this stuff, look how lucky I am, heres what I got
Necklace, bracelet, makeup, perfume, perfumed bath lotions and potions, Wide belt, hat, chemise, oh and furry handcuffs.