Ayahuasca Epilogue

Remember how the 'Streets of San Francisco' on TV always had an epilogue?. Two weeks on, I'm missing the camp dreadfully. This was far and away the strangest and most amazing experience I have ever had. I know how it sounds, it seems mad to me and I was there, friends nod and smile when I tell them about it 'and then I turned into a hawk!' usually gets them. Before I went I thought about my ex about 12 times a day (yeah I counted!). Now it's about once every 3 days and it doesn't hurt any more, the revelation on the first ceremony that 'I don't need you in my life' holds true, I don't need to think about her, or wonder what she's doing, or if she ever thinks of me or cry over her or surf for her. I wouldn't even freak to meet her and her husband.

Intially I tried to rationalise everything into terms I was more comfortable with, perhaps 'dark spirits' were just the negative thoughts your subconscious throws at you. What if dealing with a spirit in a vision was just teaching your brain a new way to think, what if the visions are just the metaphors you use in dreams, then I thought 'Why bother?' so I just talk about spirits like the shamans did.

When I thought about Julia before she was in the front of my head, it felt like she burned just behind my forehead, now when I think of her, it's at the back of my head, where the memories live. I'm at peace and I'm ready to love again so bring it on. I'm clear of what and who I am, Gillian is just a part of the boy, I used to see boy me and girl me as two separate beings but now I'm just one person mostly boy, ocassionally girl.

I lost weight while I was there, I'm lighter than I've been in years and it's stayed stable for two weeks, I've even got a waist! The ayahuasca stays with us according to the shamans, we can still ask it's help, which I do. I'm still in touch with all the people who took part in the ceremonies, they were a great bunch, every space cadet, tree hugging last one of them.

Whats more I feel happy. I was able to look myself straight in the subconscious and say 'I love me'. I've been trying to come up with ways to explain it to people, one was that you can't lie to yourself with it, imagine being able to talk to your sub-conscious without any layers of ego justifying your actions. Imagine too that you were shown how to do something say being happy, so you were able to say 'Oh THATS what it feels like, ahh now I know how to do it'

This was the best thing I've ever done and I commend it to the house.

Normal service about me wearing girls clothes resumed now, but if you want to read someone elses experience then have a look at this, this is the article that made me decide to go, read about it in National Geographic.

Final Ceremony

(If you didn't read part 1 it'll be better in order, scroll down or else it's here)

I spent the Thursday before the final ceremony calming myself, going into the second ceremony scared was not clever. I also decided that I should go in with a clear plan of what I was doing, the major issues I wanted to cover had been dealt with in the first ceremony and that put me on the back foot a bit. So I decided I wanted to see if I could see a past life and to find out my power animal. The shamans believe you have an animal spirit that watches and guards you, this is your power animal.

Again I asked the shaman to ask the medicine spirits to decide my serving. The ayahuasca was not maturing well. This was revolting, seriously amazingly gut wrenchingly disgusting, I rinsed and rinsed my mouth to try and get rid of the taste and kept spitting gobs of ayahuasca flavoured spit - ugh.

I'm feeling calm though, whatever will happen is going to be ok, if I purge then I purge, I can deal with it. Everyone drinks and the icaros start, I'm just enjoying being there and lie down to await whats going to happen. My skin starts tingling as the ayahuasca takes effect and I see orange geometric patterns moving in the air, then suddenly I am in a room sized box made of orange fabric, theres a lot of light outside and wind blows the fabric of the walls and roof, the floor opens beneath me and below me is another orange fabric room, with no floor, and another and another forming a long tunnel of fabric boxes. I fall down the tunnels and at the end I'm left floating above a field.

In the field is a girl working, she's dressed in a white hair triangle, brown floor length skirt, off-white apron. She is bent over and I can't see her face but I think this is me in the past. I want to get close to her but I can't and find myself back in the cermonial house. Somethings feeling funny with me, my head's not right, it feels like it's lengthening and my fingers are curling back, my head extends into a beak and I turn into a hawk, this must be my power animal. Desperate to fly I'm disappointed to be dumped back in the room, it was only to be a fleeting glimpse. As I lie there I feel figures above me. A succession of people in red cloaks with shadowy faces who lean over me and smile kindly. It never occurs to me to challenge if they are here for my greater good; it seems clear they mean me no harm.

Then very very suddenly it's all over, I open my eyes and I'm back in the room, everything is normal, I feel as I did before I drank the ayahuasca, checking my watch I see it's only been an hour since the ceremony started and already the effects have cleared. I haven't even purged. Theres no euphoria, just a feeling of peace, like at the end of a job well done. After all the fear of before, after getting myself calm and ready to face whatever happened it was a non event, nothing even slightly unpleasant. I feel a mild need to purge, nothing urgent. and lean over my bucket vomiting slightly, what comes out is thin and almost clear. I ask the ayahuasca what I purged, the reply comes back 'Just me' like there was nothing for it to do so it was just getting rid of itself.

Sitting up I look around the room in the dim light and watch the shamans and the other participants in their ceremonies, this is strange, the same amount of ayahuasca I had last night that affected me for hours has now burned through me in an hour, this is a strange strange brew. Theres a change in the icaros and I can see Hamilton, the shaman, get unsteadily to his feet and move to Don Alberto, the head shaman. Hamilton collapses to sit on the floor in front of Don Alberto and Don Albertos apprentice is on his feet behind Hamilton, they are both singing icaros to him. Kellee, one of Hamiltons apprentices notices and despite her broken leg hobbles over to take position behind Hamilton and joins in the icaros.

Something is not right and even though there are only three or four of us awake and watching there is considerable tension. Hamilton lets out a long moan, another apprentice takes position around him and they work on Hamilton for about 10 minutes until he starts to move again. 'Hey guys, it's just a little ayahuasca, thank god it's not a lot' he calls, and gets unsteadily to his feet and back to his seat 'what were we doing?' the tension breaks and he leads a new icaro. Tempted to ask for more ayahuasca as i feel totally normal again I decide not to push it, I answered tonights questions and I just lie back till the lights are re-lit. The atmosphere is good as the ceremony ends but it's not as playful as before, Hamilton tries to be jolly but it seems forced, something happened tonight and he's not well.

Sadly I gather my things and say goodbye to the last ceremony. The next day I talk to Kellee, she tells me that Hamilton had been attacked during the ceremony, many of the Peruvian shamans want to harm him because he's white and want to harm Don Alberto for teaching him, so they attack during the ceremonies. Tonight Hamilton got hit.

Ayahuasca 2

(If you didn't read part 1 it'll be better in order, scroll down or else it's here)

As soon as I drink the disgusting tasting mix I regret it, 'what am I doing?' 'why did I do this? I'm just going to go through hell again'. As the ayahuasca takes hold I'm desperate to purge it, the longer it's in me the more scared I am getting, the icaros start and I am leaning over the bucket willing myself to get rid of it but no joy, it'll come when it's ready. As soon as my skin tingles from the initial effects I am fighting it all the way 'lie still', 'sleep through it' every time a vision is offered I start thinking of something normal to counter it. Questions are being asked of me 'Who are you?' 'What do you want?' and I am trying to think about visiting friends anything normal. 'Ayahuasca bring me peace' I ask, 'Ayahuasca bring me acceptance of change', 'Ayahuasca give me sleep'. A bird appears to me, it might be a hawk but it's head seems to be changing around, perhaps an eagle now, I'm not sure. I really don't want this. This goes on for a while, fighting the ayahuasca and desperate to purge when I realise what the lesson is,

'Own your decisions'

I freely chose to drink this, theres no point in whinging about it after the fact, I couldn't even claim ignorance as I knew what was involved from last night. That reflected a lot of my life too, where I chose one path, then regret it and moan about not going another way. Almost as soon as I realise this the long awaited purge happens, it's minor, whereas last night I was bent into a jackknife almost pushing my face into the bottom of the bucket (the well) this is an uncomfortable but easily bearable experience. Reaching for my torch I cover it's beam from the rest of the room (ayahuasca makes you sensitive to light) and see what I've purged and see amongst the puke pink fleshy worms (yeah like I said yesterday - I know!)
'What did I purge?' I ask the ayahuasca.
'Parasites'
'How did I get them?'
'You grew them yourself out of bitterness'

Very very rapidly I feel myself coming back to the room, the icaros are growing louder and I'm rapidly calmer. This was a very tough lesson but it's over, the effects are receeding rapidly, theres still two hours at least of the ceremony left but I'm done so I curl up under my blanket and I can't remember feeling so secure and safe and comfortable, contented "mmmmm'ssss" come from me, this is wonderfully comfortable, I am really really content. The icaros are fantstic to listen to, this is the most amazing experience of my life, I can't believe I am actually doing this, I am so content and at peace. The shaman leading the icaros is dropping in explanations of the icaros as they are sung, 'Now we bring in space' next 'to balance space we call earth' next 'with earth comes water' next 'balancing water comes fire'. The interplay of the voices of the shamans and the apprentices is really really beautiful. I could lie there all night.

At one point the jungle around us echos the icaros and the background noise of the jungle gets louder and louder, almost deafening then when the icaro stops so does the jungle noise, total silence in a jungle, it's spooky. Theres a feeling of tension in the room until the shaman releases it, 'Hey' he shouts 'it's just a little ayahuasca, thank god it's not a lot' he leads an icaro that feels light and playful, most of us join in. The guy is amazing, how he can keep this up all night I don't know. The mood from now on is completely playful, the shaman is buzzing and as excited as I feel about being there. The icaro ends and the shaman is cracking jokes, it feels like a big party in there. He really is buzzing

'Who hooo it's just a lil ayahuasca, we're done now, heck it's really kicking my butt, no wait we got a little bit more'

and off he goes again into an icaro dragging the other shaman, the apprentices and the entire room with him. Theres a lot of laughs, a lot of yawning, a lot of contentment. When the lights are lit the room explodes into talk and laughter, when I sit up I realise the ayahuasca isn't finished with me yet. I'm still unstable on my feet, I spend 10 minutes getting up to standing to cheers and applause and have to get helped to the toilet area but theres no fear, no unpleasantness, like waking up from a deep sleep where you are still snuggly and dozy. The guy next to me comments on the amnount of mmmmmmm'ing I was doing and how peaceful it sounded.

Last night I had a bigger serving and cleared the effects pretty quick, tonight I had less and it has lasted hours longer, this is wierd stuff. Conversation is drifting off as people curl up and go to sleep, deciding to sleep in my bungalow I gather my stuff and take one last look into my bucket now that I'm getting to be normal again and the pink fleshy worms - are still pink fleshy worms.

That was ceremony 2.