before we knew it he was in bed with the vicar

Two posts one night; the power of cider.

Feeling a bit odd tonight, ever feel that this whole wearing womens clothes thing has some sort of meaning? Not sure I can explain this, but a lot of the time I feel like theres some significance to this that I just can't nail down, like when you forget a word and it's dancing across your subconscious but you can't grasp it. I often feel that way looking at my pics and friends pics, it's like there this hidden meaning there that I'm just not clever enough to work out. It's like the sometimes group, I can't help feeling when I look at the pictures theres something bigger there than a bunch of blokes with their shirts off but I can't fathom it.

I am a very spiritual person, I believe in being the best I can be, challenging myself, finding out who I am, no I'm explaining that badly, lets explain by example. A few years ago I organised a trip to a bungee jump, for me it was a test, no one can ever know if they would do that until you are standing 200 feet above the ground leaning into thin air, can I swallow the fear and let go or will I back down - I had to know. I'm reading a diving book just now 'Shadow Divers' theres a chapter on the bio of one of the divers, he went to vietnam as a medic, he volunteered to go on patrol (this in itself was exceptional) the old hands were dismissive of the newbie, didn't even know his name. On patrol one of the old hands was cut down by gunfire and left alive in a clearing, the viet-cong wouldn't kill him, they want someone to try to save him so they can get two kills. To quote the newbie

'This is when I find out who I am'

he went out, treated the soldier and dragged him back to safety; stirring stuff, thats what life is to me, I need to find out if I am someone I can be proud of, I can't help but feel the tranny thing is a step along this path. I have a fantasy; I want to be faced with a choice between the death of my principles and the death of my body, then I'll find out 'who I am' of course ideally I'd make the right choice and then something amazing happens and I get to live but you get the idea.

I'd like to stand on a bridge in a frilly shirt sword in hand defending a condemned woman and swearing to kill the first man to lay a hand upon her. I want to be the second man to say "I'm Spartacus", I want to do a 'far far better thing'. Sometimes I think I was born too late, my heros and heroines belong to another age, Shackleton, Bader, Bigglesworth, Johnny Johnson, Violet Szabo, Richard Burton (no not that one), Wilfred Thesiger

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The life that I have is all that I have,
And the life that I have is yours.

The love that I have of the life that I have,
Is yours and yours and yours.

The sleep I shall have, a rest I shall have,
Yet death will be but a pause.

For the peace of my years in the long green grass,
Will be yours and yours and yours.
- Leo Marx

and then Tarquin threw up over the nun

So then, too little time, so much online life needed. I'm struggling a bit just now, just seem to be tired all the time, this is not like me, I don't do ill. Just got back from a night with great mate Linds, Linds is way cool about the whole tranny thing and I felt like blogging about guess what? RG acceptance!! my fav subject.

So last week my friend karen texted me 'wanna do something?' after getting over my 'but but I'm a tranny' reaction I headed up, just before we went out for dinner she said 'want to see my shopping?' duh! 'does the pope sh*t in the woods?' 'is the bear catholic?' Karen is one way classy dresser, I know, I've got a lot of her clothes :>) anyway she pulled out a new skirt that I loved 'want me to get you one? I'm back there tomorrow' she said. 'What size is that one?' I asked, 'try it on' she said throwing said skirt of lushness to me. How cool is that? 30 secs later I'm in her loo wearing her clothes. Fitted me nicely so I said I'd have one, then we went to dinner.

Tonight Linds came round, I sooo knew she was going to be wearing a short skirt just to pee me off she just about said as much, she actually wondered if she was going out with Gillian tonight - damn girl, wish you'd said!! had a great night, then she borrowed a skirt and headed off.

Why is it so amazing to me that RGs are ok with this whole womens clothes thing? Everytime it happens it's like a big hug to me.

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Veni vidi duci
I came, i saw, i calculated

Don't mess with us OK!

Today my ex gets married to the guy she left me for, by a mammoth coincidnce I saw her today, first time in months, she drove by the end of my road as I was pulling out, she didn't see me, she doesn't know what I drove these days and I looked away but there she was with the pooch in the back.

Anyway I'm now sitting back in my flat, in addition to the rain dance and prayers I had my car washed (well every little helps).

I'm now watching the weather pissing down, it really is chucking it down, the sisterhood rule!!

And what could be more fitting for todays latin lesson?

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Potestatem obscuri lateris nescis
You don't know the power of the dark side.

but in the end all I needed was a big fart

Glum glum glum, two years ago yesterday the ex asked for a divorce, I was going to blog last night but I was too busy reliving the enjoyment of the day. So thats how the week started, the week ends with her getting married to the guy she left me for. He's a real man, he wears trousers, which as we all know is the yardstick for a real man, forget loyalty, truth, honour - as long as you wear trousers you're alright.

Anyway, theres a reason for the blog, she's getting married on Saturday, so I need some help from the sisterhood, you can probably guess where this is going can't you? yeah you're right, I need rain dances on Saturday, I'll be in a field whooping and jumping about and I need you gentle readers to do the same, we're hoping for lightning.

Your mission girls should you choose to accept it

Oh and flickr it too!

Comedy or not

I had an unusual night, some friends asked me along to see Phil Kay I'd heard of him but didn't know much about him, two friends have seem him loads of times and say he is either great or 'dies on his arse'. So with an open mind I took my place amongst the 40 or so people in the audience. The show didn't so much start as 'happen' as Kay was getting ready someone made a comment from the audience, Kays head snapped up and he launched into an insanely funny high speed tirade at the commenter, then he ran out of energy and chatted about stuff, then improvised on guitar then another high speed rant, and another and another. Some funny, some not but always entertaining. Then he launched into a story about his g/f and her ex that was only notionally funny, it ended with him getting his 'time up' signal while the audience were asking questions about the story 'So how was she after that?' 'How did you feel' 'do you love her'. I was a remrkably intimate affair and felt like an audience having a conversation with the man on stage.

Afterwards he blagged a lift to the train station and as I left he was being bought drinks while the taxi he had ordered waited outside. A really really interesting evening, even if I wasn't wearing a dress it was still fun.

But be warned - sometimes he dies on his arse.

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Belua multorum es capitum
The people are a many-headed beast.

Gone sailing

Had a great evening last night on the roses boat trip. After someinitial stress it was great. First off the hotel didn't bother telling us the restaurant didn't open at the weekend - huh?!?! so they opened it specially and served us really really slow so we were late for the cabs and almost didn't make it. So we're running late and we get in the cabs for a fraught journey to the boat, we spot one of the more recognisable trannies at one of the piers and decide we are at the right place so we jump out the cab - eek!!! the tranny is only there because they broke down, we are a deent distance in heels from the boat and it's getting very late. Made the boat by the skin of our teeth, now time to find out I left the tickets at reception at the hotel - how we laughed!!.

So stress over, the night was brilliant, loads of people to talk to, great to see Karol again - too long sis. Everyone looked fab, had a chance for a natter with girls I've met before but not had time for a proper natter, loved my new heels and got some great compliments about them. Did call it a night early and not go to the WOC which was a waste of time as we sat up so late chatting we may as well have been at the WOC.

First for the night - transphobic abuse. Some blokes drove past, shouting 'Oi Mate' 'you alright MATE!!' 'Hows it going GUYS' ending off with a particularly venomous 'you effing pooftahs!!!. Water off a ducks back to me but I so wish I could somehow have conveyed my utter contempt for him and his shitty little car better than just laughing at them - which I did

Acceptance again

I bang on a bit about acceptance from rgs, I think I'm still carrying a handbag full of guilt around and this alleviates it. Last night I had a friend over for dinner, she gave me the dress I'm wearing for the boat trip tonight and she brought a handbag for me to borrow. She gave me a load of clothes recently to keep what I want and ebay the rest, so the reason for the dinner was to photograph her in the clothes for the auctions (she looks better in them than I do ye know). A couple of times she grabbed some of my clothes to complete an outfit, like she was modeling a jacket and wore one of my skirts to go with it, for the evening dresses she wore a pair of my heels. It was just so cool to me that she would just do that, I subconsciously expected her to freak 'Oh no I'm not wearing the trannies clothes' but it just felt so damn normal.

I had an epiphany about why this sort of thing is so important to me; it's not because in a way it's saying 'It's ok to dress in girls clothes' it's because it's saying to the Gillian part of me 'It's ok to EXIST'

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Alea iacta est
The die has been cast.

The irony is just sickening

I'm doing some work on a short term contract and as luck would have it the company I'm working on is doing some website work for some very big name ladies clothes chains. Around me in the office I can hear blokes saying

'I bought this dress and these shoes and blah blah blah happened'
'Did you buy acessories?'
'No just the dress and shoes'

Makes me laugh and I would get such a buzz from doing that all day long. Of course I'm not working on that site, what am I on? well it's classified, but lets just say 'Whos the leader of the gang thats made for you and me?'

Hmph

Oh btw came out to more people at the weekend.

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Si minor plus est ergo nihil sunt omnia
If less is more, then nothing is everything.

Sometimes

I just really can't be bothered

and that goes for the blog too, a bit trannied out just now, think I need a tranny-break, got next weekend on the boat cruise them I'm pulling in my tranny wings for a bit.

Very very tired just now, hope everyone is well.

Gillian xx