Perspective

Once in the dim and distance past I bought a very fine bottle of whisky because it was bottled the year I was born, I kept it for years and years until it was worth much more than I paid for it, then I got sent a story by email that I've attached below, that week I had a dinner with my parents and my exs parents. After the ladies retired to the lounge I cracked open the bottle and along with my dad and my ex father in law gave that bottle a good seeing to. It was a lovely lovely evening.

The story that inspired this has always been in my mind, it makes me do things that I wouldn't have normally done, if theres something you want to do do it now, if you're worried about the cost, think how much it would be worth to you on your deathbed to have done it. See you all in a month, I'm going to see Everest.

Gillian xx

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero
Seize the day, put no trust in tomorrow.

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My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. "This," he said, "is not a slip. This is lingerie."

He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite, silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached.

"Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion.

Well, I guess this is the occasion." He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician.

His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me.

"Don't ever save anything for a special occasion.
Every day you're alive is a special occasion."

I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death.

I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life.

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure.

I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such a losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party going friends.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.

Seeing yourself

and again, enough of the glumness.

Theres something two girls have said to me recently that I was tickled by, in summary they both said 'you're not a transvestite, you change genders when you dress'. Theres something else I've noticed myself, when I first got out I could look at photos (well the flattering ones anyway) and think 'she's pretty', I felt I could comment on how I looked as a girl because I felt distanced from the girl in the pic. Lately I can't make that judgement because what I see in the pic is me, whether a photo of me is boy or girl, I see the same person. I think I've always been insecure about my looks and I know I probably ask 'do I look ok' too much, but lately I'm asking because I genuinely don't know.

I noticed a more trivial aspect of this the other night doing the ironing (hey when I party I party!) I really like ironing the girlie stuff, I enjoy the effort it takes, and how smart a nice skirt can look totally smooth. Previously I'd be thinking stuff like 'This is mine!! this is a skirt! girls clothing! and it's mine!! this is so cool etc etc' now I don't, it's just my clothes.

Clamo, clamatis, omnes clamamus pro glace lactis
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.

fleetwood mac, warning she's off on one again

And did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love

Yup!

Is it over now?
Do you know how
To pick up the pieces and go on

Nope!

<reflecting on the utmost stupidity that was checking the ex and fiances FriendsReunited entries>

Ever have that fear?

I had an eventful weekend, went to Club Angelic on Saturday, not sure what was wrong but the vibe just wasn't right, it's usually my fav club. I think it began with walking into the Campanile bar expecting the usual sea of trannyness, instead there were two girls having dinner and that was it! So I opened my can of cider (they had no booze licence that night so I brought my own) and waited for my dinner companions, a lovely dinner was had with Jenny Jackson and Jenny Shand then over to the club for 10ish (no Sean Connery jokes please). There was a dearth of trannies in the club too; had a chat, had a boogie, had too much to drink but ended up heading back early, well 3.30 and just sitting and musing musing things over.

Might have been in anticipation of the next few days - next morning I dragged my sorry butt to the airport and flew home for a burying, never been to one before, only been to burnings in the past. I don't like funerals, I feel they are an excercise in torture for the family, personally you can call the council tipper to come for me when I'm gone, I'm done with the body, do what you like with it. Fortunately I was detached as I was there to support mum but I was still misting up hell knows how the family felt. Spent some time with the family then back down on Tues.

Oh yeah so back to fear, when a muggle you know dies do you have this fear of them looking down goggle eyed from the afterlife as you prance around in a frock. See Sat was the first trannying I'd done since my uncle died. Wonder what he thought of me dressed like this

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Mater memento mori
Remember your mortality.

Stand down the troops

Got my red ballgown back from the dry cleaners, good as new, all gravy gone, so as agreed I wrote to the hotel.

Dear Sir or Madam
I had the pleasure of staying at the Midland for the Transfandango Ball 11/03/2006, unfortunately during dinner (table 23) a large amount of gravy was spilled on my dress. The manager took the details and asked me to send the dry cleaning bill to the hotel. The dress is now cleaned and as agreed please find enclosed the receipt for refund.

I just did it as boy-me, and what a lovely buzz I got from putting 'my dress' yes, I'm a bloke, yes I was there wearing a dress, is there a problem?. Actually I have to say that as soon as I went to reception in my meat juiced gown the hotel took ownership of the problem, very professional, very nice room too, first hotel I've stayed at with an LCD telly, and a foldout makeup table.

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Recidite, plebes! gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

You've been Transfandangoed

Was too knackered yesterday to blog, hence the pasting of the last blog entry. Sat I went out to the transfandango ball what a laugh that was, mixing it with the celebs don't you know, well I say celebs, apparently they were from some soaps, but I don't watch soaps so the only person I recognised was Richard O'Brien. It was a great night and oh the dresses, you couldn't move for satin and tafetta. I was in a tiz over what gown to wear so I took two, damn good job too, the waiter decided that my gown looked good enough to eat so poured gravy over it. Oh well accidents happen but it was a LOT of gravy, I think I'd have just went to my room if I hadn't had the spare frock. So - makeover from my mate Sammy (damn good job she made of it) dinner - gown change - auction, dancing (hardly danced, the dance floor was packed!!) then up till 5 chatting and drinking, met some lovely people, Sarah, Lilli, Portia, Carol and others that my addled brain can not remember.

Bit sore today, not the most comfortable of shoes and the bustier I was wearing under my dress made my tummy muscles sore, the things that girls go through, it's a real eye opener this tranny stuff, damn good fun tho.

I remember as a young tranny just wishing I could spend just one night in a ballgown, just one night and I can die happy, well I spent one night in two ballgowns!!!

Good morning Monday

Got in this morning da-na-naaaaaaa-na (thats the blues) and a mate relayed this MSN conversation.
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Billy: So, just how well do you know Rich.
Tony: that seems very loaded
Tony: we don't kiss if that's what you mean
Tony: what's up?
Billy: That's an interesting qualification given the circumstances.
Tony: you're being very odd
Billy: Heard something about Rich pastimes.
Tony: don't tell me he drink's whiskey, smokes cigars and is generally annoying?
Billy: No, that's something that I'd have guessed. This is something that I would never have thought.
Tony: so who told you?
Billy: Can't really tell but the source was Julia. I'm only discussing it with you 'coz I figured you'd probably know.
Tony: ah Julia. That was is massively indescrete. No wonder they got divorced. If you can't trust the one you're with....
Tony: remarkable how she's suddenly the underdog in the relationship
Tony: protesting a little too much me think
Tony: so you ok with the news?
Billy: In her defence, I think she told someone quite a while back or only recently repeated it.
Billy: 'ok with the news' - it's f****** hilarious.
Tony: the weird bit is, he's very good at it.
Billy: Am I likely to seen him in his alternate personality and not realised?
Billy: 'have' seen him
Tony: no he keeps two very seperate lives. One with us plebs and the other with the rich and famous. And for the record, no matter how many pictures I see, I never recognize him
Tony: well the scot's accent's a clue obviously
Billy: I had absolutely no idea whatsoever. Carole found out and asked me if there was anything odd about Rich that I knew about and I was guessing away for sometime. There's no way I'd have arrived at cross-dressing even with some clues.
Billy: So, what's his view about people knowing. Is he OK with it and just concerned about prejudice or would rather keep it completely secret?
Tony: No he realized a few years ago that this is something that could harm him if it came out in an uncontrolled way, so he's been telling everyone he trusts (and meets regularly) since then. The only caveat, is that he's hold back some pretty serious anti-julia news. The rules are that if his parent's ever hear of his passtime, then he goes after Julia.
Tony: She really shouldn't be telling people. Its not nice of her
Billy: Obviously I wouldn't tell anyone as I respect his right to tell people, particularly if it's something that they know could cause some problems.
Billy: As far as Julia is concerned, she told someone ages ago who recently repeated it to someone else who then told Carole.
Billy: Unfortunately it would be fair to say that discretion has gone out of the window.
Billy: By the way, when I said, 'f***** hilarious', that wasn't meant in a mocking way at all. I What I found, and still find funny is that it's the least expected thing I thought I'd discover about Rich.
Billy: So, how's he doing generally by the way?
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Oh well, whatever, and I don't smoke cigars anymore :)

Scientia est potentia
Knowledge is power.

Right enough of that

Sod the glum bits I didn't like my glum post being the last blog entry so heres some trivialities. Seeing as I was glum I decided I needed to do some tranny stuff, so I did and I'm dead chuffed, first off an rg chum wore this top that I fell in love with, really gorgeous, so I asked her where it was from (she knows about me being a deviant) victorias secret it was. I uhmed and ahed about whether me - an alleged bloke - could get away with this top then thought 'sod it' and went to order it but nooo it wasn't on the website anymore. Lots of ebaying later still no luck, then I found Victorias secret has a clearence website - hurrah hurrah and it was there! in my size!! So I ordered that and that cheered me up.

Second thing I did was find a local image consultant, theres one nearby who does makeup lessons and advice on clothes to suit your shape so I just mailed her 'would you do a makeup lesson and advice on skin care for a transvestite (thats me) and possibly clothes advice' got an immediate response 'yes no problem we can do makeup and boy and girl clothes advice if you want'. Well that cheered me up no end, I was planning on going to see her when I get back from hols but I am soo looking forward to it that I might try and fit it in early. I'm also looking forward to a boy mode critique.

See that sort of casual acceptance means the world to me, when the fact that I'm a tranny becomes a non-issue, when the reaction is 'when would you like to come in?' rather than 'why would you want to do that?'

It's just like a hug.

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Docendo discimus
We learn by teaching.

Funny what sets you off

Been a while since I've done a glum one and I've been having a lot of fun lately so time to redress the balance. Anyway I initially did this blog to deal with the ex thing

I was making breakkie this morning and finished the honey and that nearly made me cry. Back when I was married our gorgeous brown lab would always watch optimistically as I finished the honey because she knew she would get to lick the jar and what a cleaning job she'd do on it. So this morning I finished the jar and automatically looked for her, then it all comes crashing down, she's gone, that life you had has gone, some teletubby lookalike is feeding her honey these days. Sheesh, it's been 18 months now, I'm getting so bored of this. I miss the pooch, I miss the ex, I miss her smile, her laugh, the way her eyes used to light up when she saw me. It's perverse that all I can do is focus on how great she was and how often my husband grade was 'could do better' almost like part of me needs to feel guilty. In my minds eye she was this wonderful wife and I was this poor excuse for a husband.

The logical part of my mind reasons that it we must both have been good and bad in probably equal measures but emotionally I feel it was all my fault the marriage didn't work.

Oh to go back and be a better husband, but maybe that wouldn't have been enough for her.

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Errare humanum est
To err is human

Sod it - Fantasty take err 3 I think

I wasn't sure if I should blog this after my rant about fantasists but after Karol posted her story about working the wedding fair I thought I would. Ok some might think I'm being a fantasist but those that know me will know I'm the real deal, yes siree, I'm a tranny and I wear womens clothes and go out and get my picture taken and everything.

I've been asked to be a bridesmaid.

There, hows that?It's a normal couple (well as regards boy and RG) and she bounced it off her fiance and he was cool with it, two ceremonies, one conventional, one alternative and she's invited me and another tranny to be bridesmaid at both. It's going to be a long time away, they've not set a date and at least a year but sheesh a bridesmaid!!! me!! She asked the day after the fantasists blog and I thought 'I can't post this now'. I'm not getting too excited as its so far away but an rg asked me to be a bridesmaid!! I may just be writing a few more chapters for 'Gillian the bridesmaid' - this time with pictures!! I'll have to remember that it's her big day not mine, damn what a thought -me! a bridesmaid.

So many things that were fantasies to me have happened now, life can be amazing sometimes. Check back in a year to see how it goes, in the meantime I'll be doing 'Gillian the outrageous suck-up' to make sure I don't get un-asked.

Latin half hour:
Qui me amat, amat et canem meam
Love me, love my dog.

Dining out

Had a fanatastic dinner night out last Tuesday. Losing a lot of weekends of late I've had to grab trannying where I can. Bit of a nightmare getting ready and up to London for nosh but fortunately I have a tranny friendly chum whose house I can get ready at. It was such a lovely evening. Had a drink at the lovely Fis house then walked to this superb Italian restuarnt. It was really full and when we walked in there were a lot of stares, then 5 mins later the novelty has worn off and it was just like a normal night out for dinner. Thats just how it should be, out in the real world, being ourselves. We nattered the whole night and were the last in the restaurant, when Laura decided it was time for toilet pics as we touched up makeup before heading off, you won't believe how much time 3 trannies can spend taking pics of themselves in a toilet, just some great tranny silliness.

And then the giant Italian owner snogged us all before we left, which was nice.



Nunc est bibendum
Now it's time to drink.

The bitch

Yes me thats who, I've been debating blogging this, but sod it it's my blog and I'll post what I like, and if you don't agree then comment on it and I'll delete it with a merry click cos it's MY BLOG!!

OK recently I went out with a group of tgirls where I only knew a couple of them before, the girls all looked good, with one exception and heres where I bitch. In summary I walked into the bar and saw this: 25 stone, wooly jumper, skirt, legs wide apart flashing everything, poor wig, unbrushed, stubble, bad makeup. There said it and I feel guilty for saying it but dammit we can't all be as pretty as (insert fav tgirl icon) but we can all make the effort and this person had made naff all effort. I mean how hard is it to keep your legs shut? how hard us it to shave for chrissakes?

And do you know what annoyed me, what really annoyed me? in the restaurant we're surrounded by muggles and are they going to remember the great looking normal girls around the table? nope you know the memory they are going to take away and tell their friends?, and there go all the tranny stereotypes nicely reinforced. You make all this effort, pick an outfit, spend hours on makeup, nails, wig and then you get lumped in the same catagory as someone who didn't even try.